Dear Counselor: 
I found you by doing a search of ex-wife relationships.  I hope you can help me find the answer to my problem.  I am a Christian person, my finance claims to be a Christian by I don't really think he understands what it really means to profess a belief in Christ.  He is recently divorced.  During his marriage he took care of everything...I mean everything.  He is an excellent organizer, provider, businessman etc.  His ex obviously allowed him free reign over finances and general budget etc.  I sympathize with her now that she has to do for herself, however, here is my question.  They are divorced now, shouldn't he sever that relationship and allow her to learn to do things for herself now?  It's not that I'm jealous...but he has obviously told her that he still "cares" for her and he is still willing to advice her on matters she doesn't know how to do.  He did her taxes this year.  She still calls frequently.  I know he wants the best for her..but I think as long as he still has a relationship with her it leaves the door open for "other" things. There will always be a bond of sorts there. If we were to have problems it would bother me for him to have this relationship with her.  Do I just feel threatened or do I have some valid points? What do you think? 
P.S. He divorced her for infidelities by the way.

Dear Friend: 
   It is important for a couple contemplating marriage or remarriage to come to agreements together on how to handle the ex-spouse and relationships with the opposite sex. 
   My opinion is that you have some valid concerns.  Since you are engaged, I would recommend that your fiance not have any contact with his ex-spouse.  This will be a source of constant frustration, conflict  and interference in your relationship. It sounds like you are starting a relationship too soon after his divorce. If there are some finances to still work out then he should refer her to someone else for help with any further financial questions/guidance she needs. 
   But, by now, since he is engaged to you, that relationship needs to have closure.   If he is not able to do that, then, he may not be finished grieving his former marriage. I would encourage you to put off the wedding plans and explore his emotional attachment to her.   Grief recovery takes awhile and it is very difficult to recover when that relationship is on-going. I would encourage you to order & read the books:  Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It by Jerry Jenkins & Growing in Remarriage : Seven Keys to a Successful Second Marriage by Jim Smoke    You can order these now and look for other relevant books from our Resources page.
These books should give you some guidelines for setting boundaries with the opposite sex as well as with the ex-spouse.
 
You need to consider seriously the following questions & information  for yourself:
    Will you be able to trust this man after you marry him if he is still
talking with and helping his ex-wife (that he probably still has feelings
for)?    Trust is essential for a healthy marriage, for intimacy, communication and love to grow.  You can't have a healthy relationship without trust.  If you are having doubts now.... those doubts will not evaporate just because you get married.
    If he hesitates about ending this  "relationship with the ex", then you have good reason to doubt his love for you.   You will always feel like you are playing second-fiddle to the ex.
   Look at what happened when Sarah, Abraham's wife in the Old Testament, could not conceive.   She decide to give Abram her maid-servant Hagar so they could have a child through her. Sarah, afterwards, became so jealous that she sent Hagar away. 
   A healthy marriage cannot have any competition. One man and one wife as it says in Gen. 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (NIV)   Notice this verse reads "wife" singular, not "wives" plural.

   Do you want to deal with jealousy and feelings of mistrust which will lead to anger and resentment after you are married?
    If this man truly loves you then he needs to prove it by ending the
relationship with his ex.  If he is still caught up with feelings for his ex,
then he won't be able to end it and this will give you good reason to proceed with caution or end the relationship with him.
    Norman Wright has a workbook you & your fiance can work on together to help you talk about important issues.   You can order it now:   Before You Remarry : A Guide to Successful Remarriage 
by H. Norman Wright 
   I also recommend that you get some Christian counseling and pastoral counseling to help work through this issue.  You may want to go to a counselor by yourself as well as attend together. Contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional.
I hope this is helpful   May I have your permission to use your question
anonymously on my advice page?   Thank you for writing.
God bless you! 
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC