Dear Lynette,  

I am sad at bringing this up...but frustrated with what to do. My wife is overwieght (by my worldly, pathetic standards) and I find it hard to be intimate with her or compliment her. I find myself projecting at her the demands tostay in shape I place on myself--I try to run several miles every other day and monitor what I eat. I don't want to masturbate or look at pornography, but sometimes I do to fill the lack of intimacy I feel exists in my marriage. However, this does not help the problem, it aggravates it. I find myself blaming her when I do these things: If she loved me she would strive to stay attractive for me, then I wouldn't do these things,' I rationalize to myself. I don't find myself attracted to her as I did when we were first married. How do I get out of this trap I feel I'm in towards loving her and being attracted to her as God wants me to? She has given us such beautiful children and she is a good friend (especially to put up with me.) I feel ashamed and guilty about these feelings. It makes me depressed and ashamed. 

Sam  

Lynette J. Hoy wrote:  

Dear Sam:  

I think that you need to confront this problem head-on since it is affecting your relationship so seriously and your attitude towards your wife. I have attached Steps for ASERT scripts for you so you can write out how to communicate this problem to your wife in a loving way. It seems that this problem will only get worse as time goes on. You cannot not deal with this. It may be that you will need to go to a solid Christian counselor for marital counseling... Contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional. A counselor can help both of you deal with the underlying issues that are going on. 

There could be a number of reasons that your wife has let herself go... physical or hormonal problems; low self-esteem; stress; marital problems which affect her, possible abuse from the past, etc. She will pick up on your criticism of her and that will not be a motivator for her to change. She may feel like she's stuck and can't lose weight. There are a lot of Christian programs like: Eating by the Good Book by David Meinz, or The national ministry 3D—Diet, Discipline, and Discipleship-- or The Diet Trap (LifeLine Press) by Smith, seeks to turn readers away from "fad diets" toward more natural weight-loss options. Judy Halliday, coauthor of Thin Again (Baker) and founder of the ministry Thin Within is another. Others are Free to Be Thin and Loved on a Grander Scale by Neva Coyle.

the "Thin Within" program which many people have found successful. I would encourage you to pray about this and go to your pastor or some mentor in your church to help you pray and deal with your issues.  

The marriage problems are both of your problems. There are probably some things she would like you to change. Asking God for Christ-like love for your wife and then acting like you love her by doing good and kind things for her will probably help you feel more love towards her. I have some marriage and anger faq's on my web site that may be helpful for you. Also, reading a good marriage book together or even by yourself like "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman may really give your marriage a boost and then as a result your wife may feel more motivation to work on herself. Not getting intimate with her and feeling critical of her will result in her feeling rejected worsening her self-esteem... which is a demotivator for "taking care of herself". 

I hope this is helpful. Take her on a Marriage retreat. The more positivethings you do to enhance your relationship....the better both of you will feel. "Love is a decision" and another good book by Gary Smalley/JohnTrent. God bless you! Please keep in touch & let me know if you need a Counseling referral....I have a nationwide list also.  
Check out our resources page for books you can order on-line. Books like Love Busters: Overcoming Habits that Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley or Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley would help you relate to and understand yur wife better. 

Lynette Hoy

Steps for ASERT  
Scripts By Lynette J. Hoy, LCPC 

Step 1 ASK FOR GOD'S HELP and wisdom: consider what the Bible says about > the matter. Pray and surrender yourself to the control of the Holy Spirit.  
Step 2 STATE-THE-PROBLEM: by describing the other person's offensive > behavior in objective terms. Look, observe, examine exactly what he or she has been saying and doing. Describe the behavior concretely here. (If it is an impersonal problem with a company, describe the problem.)  
Step 3 EXPRESS: YOURSELF, your feelings or thoughts about the behavior or problem in a positive, new way. 
Step 4 REQUEST: one behavior CHANGE you want the other person to make. Ask for FEEDBACK & agreement  
Step 5 TALK-IT-OUT: Stipulate the CONSEQUENCES you will deliver (or what will happen) if the other person keeps the agreement to change. Consider other OPTIONS and the requests of the other person. 

Positive consequences: If necessary, tell the other person what negative consequences you will provide if there is no change. Write them here, but understand that you do not say them unless it becomes necessary.  
Negative:  
Other options/requests: 
© Copyright 1998 by Lynette J. Hoy, LCPC  

Components of Truth-talk: Questions to ask about my ASERT approach & important components:  
Am I?  
1. Thinking: Taking time to reflect & evaluate the problem? Asking God for His wisdom and guidance? Is this a legitimate concern? 
2. Facts: Making certain I have accurate information about the situation & speaking the truth? Using biblical principles to guide me? (Not just my selfish desires)  
3. Requests: Asking for something that is reasonable?  
4. Exhortation: Giving advice or recommendations in a helpful way to both > of us?  
5. Instruction: Providing knowledge, direction, education, training and confrontation based on biblical principles? Speaking in Love involves: 

Questions to ask about my ASERT approach & whether it includes love:  
1. Am I listening so I can understand this person correctly? James 1:19  
2. Am I affirming this person to express agreement or validation on some > point? 
3. Am I praying to let God's love flow through me? Rom. 5:5 
4. Am I urging and appealing to help motivate and invite this person to > make changes?  
5. Am I respecting and demonstrating that this person has value?  
6. Am I considering this person's needs & interests? Phil. 2:3-4  
7. Am I caring for this person's needs and expressing my concern for him/her?  
© Copyright 1998 by Lynette J. Hoy, LCPC  

Thank you for your prompt response--you are very kind. Wonderful words they are that I'll need time to assimilate. I will keep in touch.  

V/R, Sam 

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