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| "When
a Mate Wants Out"
Hello, I am 25 and have been in my relationship for 5 years. A couple
of weeks ago my wife told me how unhappy she was in our relationship.
We also have a 2 year old son. I know I did my fair share of screwing
things up in our relationship (being too involved in work, hanging
out with friends, ect.) I have been PRAYING like crazy for her to
change her mind, and to give our relationship the fair chance it
really needs, not just for us but our child as well. I can't tell
all of you how much I love this woman! She did agree to go to marriage
counseling with me, but she says that she is going to go just to
help me understand why she's leaving. Is there any hope for us at
all? This is by far the darkest time of my life, and I need all
of the support I can get. She's also a very caring christian and
mother. I have recently become very close to the lord, he's really
helping me through this. We both know that divorce is wrong, and
I am willing to do anything to fix this. Am I doing the right thing?
Should I not talk with her about this subject anymore? Everytime
I talk with her about it she seems to get stronger in her feelings.
If you could write me back with any helpful tips on saving my marriage,
i'd really be thankful. Dear Friend, I encourage you to order a couple of books from our Resources page under the Separation/divorce section:Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late : A Game Plan for Reconciling Your Marriage By Gary and Deborah Smalley $15.29 ... When a Mate Wants Out : Secrets for Saving a Marriage by Jim Conway, Sally Conway $15.99 and Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by Gary Chapman $10.79. These books can give you some insights to understand the crisis you are facing and how to make some personal changes to improve your relationship with your wife. Realize first that it took time for your marriage to break down and that your wife is feeling hopeless about the relationship right now. It is best to let the counselor help you through this... and begin to give your wife hope for your marriage and suggest how you can change to make your relationship better. Keep off the hot issues for now. Read the books above and don't beg for your wife to stay... You will lose some of your dignity doing that and begging or pressuring her to reconsider actually will make her more determined to end the marriage. . On the other hand, let her know that you want to work on the marriage and do what you can to make it more satisfying for her. Ask yourself: what has my wife been asking from me all these years? Start doing some of those things now before you go to counseling and without pointing it out that you are making the effort to change. On the other hand, don't suffocate her... but, show you care by being more considerate and listening to her. Most likely, the two of you have not connected emotionally. Many men do not know how to connect emotionally with their wives. Read these articles on assertiveness and communication skills. Begin to use the paraphrasing skills with your wife. Paraphrasing what someone says ... says that you hear . and that you are concerned about understanding their opinions and what he/she has said. Your marriage has been rocky for a long time... it will take time to heal. Your wife needs to see that you are determined to change and that the changes will be permanent. So it will take time to convince her there is hope for your relationship. Continue to pray and trust God for your marriage and ask for wisdom as to how you can change. Nothing is impossible with God! God bless you! I encourage you to talk with your pastor. Please contact AACC for a referral to a professional in your area in the Christian Care Network Let me know how you do. Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC |
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Notice: This advice column is not intended to take the place of direct professional mental health services but rather to provide insight into various problem situations and possible helpful resources and interventions. Please contact AACC for a referral to a professional in your area in the Christian Care Network
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