Teenage Relationships: "I have a Problem with People" 
  
Dear Counselor, I'm writing this e-mail to you because at this moment in time I cannot get help from anyone else. I have a problem with 'people'. I am 14 years old, and I cannot act like myself around people. When I'm around people who call me names, or I have never met before I act really strange, and I think I give them the impression that I am slow or something. My voice is really deep and I hate it. When I talk, I can hear a normal 14 year old voice, but when I listened to myself on camera it was really deep. I asked a couple people if I sounded like that and they said 'yes'. It's like the person says one thing mean to me, and it's as though I'm afraid of them. I don't know why I'm like that, and I wish it went away. Next year I'm going to high-school and there are going to be many scary kids, and barely any of my friends from my old school are going to this school. So now I know I'm going to be teased. No ones going to wan't to hang around with me. I'm going to end up being a big loser. I just moved here, and where I used to live everyone was friendly, and everyone lived pretty wealthy. But here you don't see to much of that. I like other cultures, and I feel that the Western culture is mean, and there is to much violence, drugs, alcohol, and bad language. I am not scared when people like me, and respect me. But here, everyone just dislikes others. Sometimes I wonder to myself,' Why people behave so violently, and take drugs'. I think it would be good if they separated the violent and low educated kids into one school, and the kids who are nice and have a > future ahead of them into another school. I just want to know if my problem of the fear of people is normal? I get well with my friends, and people who respect me, but I'm terrified of the kids who call me names. Please, if you could just give me some advice, and help me with my problem, it would mean the world to me. Thanks alot, I appreciate it, bye.

Dear Friend,
Hopefully, you will take the time to consider what I am about to write to you seriously. I want to start by talking about your spiritual needs first and then, some practical ways that you can cope better with your problems. So bear with me please.
1. First of all, I believe that the best way to begin to tackle the problems that you have is to grow in your relationship and understanding of God and how He can help you.
Jesus Christ, in my opinion, is the only answer for the tough problems people are having today. When I was your age, I began to understand the need I had for God and the need I had to be reconciled to Him and to know my purpose in life. I felt bad about my appearance, my parents had gotten a divorce and my whole world was shaken. I also worried about whether people would accept me. It was then that I turned to God for help.
There are 3 questions people ask when they contemplate life and what it is all about and these were questions that I pondered in my heart a lot:
... Who am I? ...Where am I going after I die? ....What is my purpose in life?
I believe that people have a difficult time really answering those questions when they look to other people or belief systems outside of Christianity to satisfy their deepest needs in life. Christ made some very strong claims about life, about the fact people could only find real hope and satisfaction in life by knowing Him. And Jesus made claims that people needed to believe in Him in order to know that they could be forgiven by a Holy God and could be assured of going to heaven.
Read these verses which come straight from the New Testament in the Bible:
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father, but, by me." John 14:6 John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26 and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" John 3:35-36 The Father loves the Son and has placed everything in his hands. Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him."
John 10:26-30 (Jesus said) My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."
Matt 28:18 - 20 Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
John 4:14 (Jesus said) but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." NIV
Look at all the claims Christ makes:
Jesus states that He is the ONLY way to God.
Jesus states that anyone who believes in the Son (Himself) HAS eternal life.
Jesus states that He GIVES eternal life to those who trust in Him and that nothing can snatch believers out of His hand. Jesus claims that He is ONE with His Father... God. So He claims to be God!
Jesus states that the purpose for one's life is to go out and make disciples of all nations and to teach them to obey everything He commanded.
Jesus said that when people drink His water... they will never thirst again! This spiritual water that Jesus gives fills the deepest longings and spiritual needs of one's soul.
So what I am saying is that in order to feel better about yourself and your life (When I'm around people who call me names, or I have never met before I act really strange, and I think I give them the impression that I am slow or something.My voice is really deep and I hate it.) you need to understand how much God loves you and the fact that you need Jesus. In order to know how valuable and loved you are in the sight of God... you need to experience a personal relationship with Jesus who died for your sins and rose from the grave over 2,000 years ago and is coming back to the earth soon. This will build a good sense of self-worth into your heart. You can learn about how to know Him personally by reading this article on faith .
2. Secondly, learn to communicate skillfully. Read the articles on assertiveness and How to really be Assertive .
When you learn how to express yourself in a more direct yet loving way... you will gain people's respect and earn a hearing with them. At this age, you will be confronted by bullies... it just seems that teens cannot control their anger, jealousy and frustrations. But, you can learn how to do it and you can learn how to build boundaries with people who take advantage of you or try to manipulate you. Read the article on codependency .
3. There will always be difficult people you have to learn to deal with in your life. Don't be surprised by this. The Bible says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" in Romans 3:21-3. In the Old Testament book of Jeremiah... God said... the heart of man is deceitful and desperately wicked. So, people will disappoint us and at times, treat us badly... but, we need to learn how to set limits with them and how to forgive . Jesus loved the sinner.. and you and I are sinners too. Because the that verse says: All have sinned.. so we are all in the same category and we all need forgiveness from God which He readily provided for us when He gave His Son to die for the sins of the whole world.
John 3:16 reads "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
May you find the answers and help you are looking for in the God who is looking for you and who desires to have a relationship with you. In Revelation 3: 20 Jesus says "Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if any man opens the door (of his heart), I will come into to him... "
4. If you think that this problem is too difficult for you.. ask your parents to take you to counseling. Contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional.
5. Also, consider ordering a book from the Teen section on our resources page such as:
Answers to Tough Questions Skeptics Ask about the Christian Faith by Josh McDowell and Don Stewart   $4.79
Building Your Self-Image by Josh McDowell $4.79
Givers Takers and Other Kinds of Lovers by Josh McDowell, Paul Lewis (Contributor) $ 3.99
Relationships : An Open and Honest Guide to Making Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great
by Les Parrott, Leslie Parrott  
Search for Significance: Discussion Manual for Youth by Robert McGee 
Teenage Q and A Book by Josh McDowell, Bill Jones (contributor) 
Where is God When it Hurts by Phillip Yancy  
Winners and Losers : Quiet Times Between Teens and God by Stephen Bly, Janet Bly 
I Don't Remember Dropping the Skunk, but I Do Remember Trying to Breathe : A Survival Guide for Teenagers by Ken Davis 9
How to Live With Your Parents Without Losing Your Mind by Ken Davis
Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

God bless you! I hope this is helpful for you. Please let me know how you are doing! Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC Thanks so much for writing.       God bless you! 
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

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