Teen
Drug abuse: "Step-son needs tough love"
Dear
Lynette:
I've never done this before,
so I feel a bit inadequate but desperate in
a sense so I will pursue.
I've been married to my husband for almost 11 years.
We've both been married before, and have lived with the excess baggage
good and bad for years. And usually seems to the majority bad. We've
only been saved Christians for a few years, and have tried to do as God
would have us do since. Unfortunately we still have the
consequences to pay from
our former life. My husband insists he is a
Christian, and goes to church
on Sunday mornings, and all of our friends are Christians. Yet it
appears he leaves the word of God at the Church steps on his way out.
I'm doing my best not to pass judgment here, but as time goes on it gets
worse. It is effecting all of our lives in this house.
His son moves in and out,
and doesn't have to follow rules.
This is a 17 year old boy
who is far from facing the world alone. My
husband doesn't find the
importance of discipline or respect. When the law is put down to
this young man, he moves somewhere else, then when that person has had
enough of him he returns. I'm having a difficult time maintaining
a Christian's loving heart at this point. I've lost all respect for
my husband regarding this and most other things due to
his inability to demand
his role in the home and to protect his family.
I love this boy as my own,
but I feel tough love is in order and the
other people in this "home"
needs to be considered for a change. This
has gone on for 8+ of the
11 years. My husband is a well educated man and a good heart and
a good father to a fault, except, helping to kill this young man with no
direction is not a good parents role. My husband is more concerned
about his son liking him than he is concerned about dealing with the issues.
My husband works 12-15 hr. per day so all is left up to me, but when he
comes home he just pacifies the situation, and then it's a repeat tomorrow.
This young man has played with drugs, sex, alcohol, and late hours, and
too much freedom. We have a 5 year old watching all of this.
It seems as if it would
be easier to just call it quits and forget the
entire situation.
But I can't walk away and give up again. I don't
feel that would be what
God would have me do. I've been to the pastor, who is good friends
with us. He doesn't really see it for what it
is. He knows the son
needs help and feels my husband needs to put his foot down, but my husband
tell everyone what they want to hear then does nothing, then doesn't understand
why everyone gets so upset. I wish I was over exaggerating this,
but I'm not. The son refuses counseling, and my husband says it'll
work out he'll do better. And it ends there!
It even goes as far as my
husband will lie to keep the son out of
trouble, and cover up his
wrong doings. He gives him money when he says he doesn't. This
is suppose to be a Christian family. I have Christ, I know that,
but it appears as if the only part of hell missing here is the heat, and
we feel that at times too. Other than prayers this is a
last and desperate option.
I'm a black and white person, and I have my faults, but integrity and a
person's word is most important, and all that leads
to respect. And the respect is missing here all the way around.
Please advise. Carol
Lynette
J. Hoy wrote:
Dear
Carol:
You
say that you are having a very difficult time with your husband and
his
son who is a substance abuser, and that your husband lets him come and
go when he pleases, giving him money, etc. against your wishes.
The
real issue is that you and your husband have not agreed that your
relationship
takes precedence over any other relationship (except your
relationship
with the Lord). You and your husband became Christians a few
years ago and though there may have been some positive changes, the major
change of applying biblical principles to your marriage and family did
not occur.
There
are always difficulties with step-children. When couples
re-marry,
unless they agree during their courtship that Christ must be
at
the center of their relationship and that their relationship must
take
priority over other relationships, they are headed for trouble.
Couples
need to talk about the issues that will come up with
step-children
before marrying, and how to handle potential problems or
major
disruptions of the marriage will occur.
Most
likely, you have been arguing over your husband's son for years.
This
kind of conflict needs mediation or counseling. I recommend that
you
find a Christian counselor who does marriage counseling in your
area.
Check
out the home page of the American
Association of Christian Counselors. If your husband refuses
to go to counseling, go yourself to learn how to cope with the situation.
Along
with this I would encourage you to pray. Pray fervently. Pray
with
your Bible study group and or a pastor or mentor. Matt 18:20 says:
"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."(NIV)
Prayer
is heaven's weapon against the sin and brokenness of our world.
In
Luke 18:1 we read, "Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show
them that
they should always pray and not give up."(NIV) You are right
when you
say that "I can't walk away and give up again". That is just
what
our old nature wants to do and what Satan wants us to do when we face crisis
and difficulty.
Another
aspect of this is to look for what God may be teaching you.
How
is He trying to purify you? Are you holding on to anger and
resentment?
It is easy to be angry and resentful when something keeps occurring
like this. But Jesus wants you to give it up. Forgive your
husband and this step-son as God has forgiven you in Christ. In Matthew
18:21-22
we read: " Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall
I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" 22 Jesus
answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven
times."(NIV)
This
is really saying that forgiveness is constant, & recurrent.
Why
forgive? Because Christ has forgiven you as it says in Colossians
3:13: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (NIV)
But
you say, "What about some boundaries? Can't we set some limits on
the behavior of this Step-Son in our home?" I would encourage
you to read an Al-Anon book and Codependent
No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie for some ideas on boundaries and
confronting this Step-son. Also, attend some Al-Anon
meetings. It seems to me that you are in charge most of the
time since your husband works long hours. You could learn to be assertive
and learn new ways to handle him. See our Resources
page for books on these topics and parenting teens.
If
your Step-son comes home drunk or has inappropriate behavior due to drug
use, you should be able to lock him out of the house. You could also
report him to the police when he comes home under the influence of drugs
or alcohol since he is a minor. You could have a juvenile officer
speak with him. You are home 12-15 hours with him and need
to make the house rules to protect yourself and your younger child.
If
your husband disagrees with this, then you will need to ask him for his
support you since you are at home alone with a drug abuser and concerned
about protection of your family and home. Ask him then to go with
you to your pastor or a counselor to talk about this. Ask him to
attend Al-Anon meetings with you.
I
hope this is helpful. I know it is hard to hang in there but
we know
that
Scripture discourages divorce unless there is adultery or an
unbelieving
spouse leaves. Matt 19:4-6 says: "Haven't you read," he
(Jesus)
replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and
female,'
5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are
no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man
not separate." (NIV)
May
I have your permission to use your letter anonymously in my Advice column?
Thanks so much for writing. God bless
you!
Lynette
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