I am 28 yrs. old and have been sexually abused by my oldest brother, mentally abused by other relatives. I was sexually abused by two family friends, I have a daughter that I gave up for adoption when I was a teenager. The same year I was raped by a man of another race and became pregnant by him. I decided that it was not the childs fault and decided to give him up for adoption. When I told my mother about the sexual abuse, she said "It happened to me as a child, I'm fine and you will be too, just forget it ever happened." This is only a few of the many things I have gone through in my life. I have always been able to deal with it until now. All of a sudden I find myself in an awful depression. I'm irritable and always thinking about it and it's really starting to effect my life. I have tried counseling and they just say "I know what you are going through and it will be better if you talk about it.", but they don't know and talking does me no good. Do you have any ideas about what may be able to help me?

Dear Friend,
     I realize that you have suffered much abuse and that you are really be in pain.
What happens to women who have been sexually abused is a sort of syndrome.... 
  you block out the past and become a survivor by continuing to live your life the best way you know how and deny any negative feelings which surface at times because of the abuse.
  Then, all of the sudden, when you are in your twenties or thirties.... feelings begin to surface like an erupting volcano.... Something happens in your life to cause you to have to face and deal with the past sexual abuse.... because you were victimized.... you suffered loss of your virginity.... you were assaulted and shamed.. you felt you lost your dignity.  
  And that trauma affects you.... the way you think and feel about yourself.  You probably feel like you aren't worth much and may even feel that you deserved to be treated that way..... you feel depressed and hopeless about life because people mistreated you in a horrific way.... taking something from you that you did not want to give.... That makes you fearful that it might happen again and you continue to feel like a victim..... You may have control issues and trust issues with family and friends.  If you are married or contemplating marriage... you may have fears about sex and difficulties with sexual intimacy.
  The past abuse causes you to feel tons of emotions..... welling up in you that you tried to hold down over the years but because you are a human being you have to process these feelings of  .... anger, rage, hurt, shame, fear, sadness, and more.   
  You have to learn to cope with them eventually- putting them in the past so the past no longer controls you.
Because you suppressed the pain over the years.... there is a lot to come out and grieve.  And grieving is what you must do to get through this.   I have written about grieving abuse and grief recovery. 
Maybe you will also consider getting close to God at this time.  God loves you and can give you the spiritual strength to work through the past and get on with your life.  I know that it might be difficult to think about turning to God at this time since you may blame God for letting it happen and may wonder how He could allow such terrible things to happen to you.   I implore you to give Him an opportunity to reveal Himself to you.  Please read the articles on faith and suffering  to get a biblical perspective on God, how to know Him personally and why He allows suffering.
Consider talking with your physician about getting on an antidepressant for awhile as well.  This kind of trauma will deplete your body of neurochemicals which help you feel good about life and help your concentration and motivation.  An anti-depressant can give your serotonin a boost and help you get back on track physically.  Regular exercise will help as well.
May I recommend that you try contacting a professional counselor in your area by contacting the American Assoc. of Christian Counselors .

Check out Willowcreek's site for a referral to a church near you, if you do not have one, and to contact a pastor you can pray with at as well.
I have many articles and an advice column which can help you understand and work through some of the issues you are struggling with.
Check out the search engine on hoyweb.com to help you locate articles, news, advice and resources for most topics in the legal and/or counseling field.  Also, you can subscribe to our email newsletter as well.
We also have many recommended Resources and books for the issues you are struggling such as:
The Stop the Victim Syndrome! an online/email course for handling abusive relationships for only $20.00! Take the Stop the Victim Syndrome! inventory to explore the severity of your abusive relationship. This online course will help you determine the extent of the abuse in your relationship and then, help you learn skills to to deal with the abusive person in your life.
There are several parts to this course which you will be working on:
1. evaluating the situation/abuse,
2. discovering the biblical perspective on your relationship,
3. your response and behavior in your relationships,
4. improving your support,
5. your personal needs: emotionally and physically, and
6. personal steps to change.
You will also be given further resources.
You can access this course online or by email.

Please click the Buy Now logo to order by credit card through Pay Pal.com, a secure server. You will be paying CounselCare Connection a new organization owned by Lynette Hoy and Steve Yeschek:

•  Bold Love by Dan B., Dr. Allender, Tremper, Iii, Dr. Longman 
• The Search for Significance by Robert McGee  
• Putting Your Past Behind You: Finding Hope for Life's Deepest Hurts by Erwin Lutzer  
• The Freedom from Depression Workbook by Les Carter, Frank Minirth
• Learning to Tell Myself the Truth by William Backus 
• Building Relationships through Truth-Talk: Handling Conflict with the 'ASERT'approach by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. A workbook/tape set on biblical communication skills:  "speaking the truth in love". $12.00 plus shipping.
• What's Good About Anger? by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC a workbook/tape set about the power and process of biblical anger. $12.00 plus shipping.
• Telling Each Other the Truth by William Backus, Marie Chapian 
• Freedom of Forgiveness by David Augsburger  
• Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis Smedes
• Child Sexual Abuse: A Hope for Healing by Maxine Hancock, Karen Burton Mains 
• A Safe Place: Beyond Sexual Abuse by Jan Morrison  
• Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower, Susan Anthony Bower  
• Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey 
• Recovering from the Losses of Life  by H. Norman Wright

I hope this is helpful for you.  Please let me know how you are doing.
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
1100 Lake Street; Suite 245
Oak Park, Illinois 60301

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