My husband and i dated for 4 years, then married.  We had 3 beautiful children and we both loved them very much, but it always felt like something was missing in our marriage, and with much regret, I turned to another man and for years lived with the guilt of what i had done to my husband and my children and to God. About 4 years after it had happened, just one day out of the blue, I decided that i could no longer live with my guilt and went (without my husband knowing) and filed for a divorce.  The lawyer then contacted my husband at school where he was a very popular teacher and told him that i had filed for divorce and that he needed to come by and sign the papers.  My husband was devistated to say the least, but it was if my emotions were dead.  I couldn't even cry.  I couldn't do anything.  The divorce was done with in only 1 week, i mean i was before the judge before i could even blink.  My life from then on would only be a nightmare.  I was a virgin when i married my husband so except for this one other horrible experience, i had never been with anybody else, so i guess i kind of went crazy until i met a man with whom i fell head over heels in love with and who loved me with the kind of love that i had never experienced before.  I truly believed that this man had been put on the earth for me, because he fulfilled me in every way.  He loved God.  He was a kind and gentle person and showed me more love and attention than i had ever known. He was suppose to be divorced but it was revealed to me on New Years day by his wife that he was very much married.  I was more hurt than i had ever been in my life, and at the same time my ex and I were talking about trying to put our family back together.  I knew all along that it would be hard to forget about this person, but my family meant more to me than him, so i was going to try.  I guess God gave me my answer about this man, but there is still not a day that goes by that i don't think about him..and pray for those thoughts to go away.  I have a hard time putting all his things that he had given me away as well as the pictures of him.  He says that he honestly loves me and did not mean to hurt me.  Meanwhile my ex-husband and I are trying, but it just seems so hard.  I don't feel like I'm ready for anything. I don't even feel like i know who i am.  I work 2 jobs and take care of my 3 children to try and occupy my time, but still can't stop thinking about the wonder time that we shared together.  I know i need to go on with my life and that God wants the family together, but i also know that i have to want it with all my heart and i really am trying, so please give my any advise that you can.

Dear Friend: you do need to give yourself some time to grieve the loss of this other man, rebuild your life and your relationship with your ex-spouse.  I would encourage you to take these steps:
1. Get counseling.  Please contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional.
2. Get perspective. Read some articles on grief & grief recovery .
Also, purchase a book on how to recover after an affair form our resources page such as: Surviving an Affair by Willard F., Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers  $11.89; or Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder  $11.99.  At the same time, begin rebuilding your relationship with your ex by reading a book such as Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley  $10.39 and/or A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Susan Blumberg, Dean Edell  $12.80.
3.  Give yourself time. You need to realize that in time with the help of the Lord your feelings for your husband will grow.   But, you need to recover from the loss and the shame and guilt you must also feel.  Take steps to renew and revitalize yourself.  Read the article on stress .
4. Focus on growing in Christ.... in His love and forgiveness.  You will discover that He can give you healing and strength to recover from this crisis.  Read also the article on When a Christian Sins. For growth in self-esteem read The Search for Significance by Robert McGee  
5. Get support.  Get involved in a women's Bible study in your church, a mentoring relationship with a mature Christian woman for prayer and guidance and talk with your pastor as well.
6. Most of all, renew your mind with scripture.  Because satan will tempt you and the heart is deceitful above all things.  So, let God's Word speak to you and change your perspective about life and about the importance of letting Christ satisfy your deepest needs.  Read John 10:10 and Jere. 2:13.
7. Stop living in the past. Stop the memories and contact regarding this man by throwing away all the pictures, letters and memorabilia you have that reminds you about this man.  Stop talking or making contact with him.  Or you will continue to live in the past and thus, continue hurting. 
I hope this is helpful.  Let me know how you are doing.

Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

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