My
husband seems to have been pulling away
Dear Lynette,
I am a mother of two children. I have been married
for almost 10 years and the past five have been difficult. My
husband seems to have been pulling away. Two years ago he told
me things had changed and he felt obligated to be a husband.
He was questioning everything including his faith. He threw
and still does everything into his coaching and families of his runners.
He doesn't know what he is to do the rest of his life and is concerned
about it. He is currently in administration in education.
We talk about our lives and our day but nothing intimate and he says
he is aware of this. I don't think he knows how to be intimate
emotionally. We are not physical at all for almost a year.
I have gained weight since the kids. It does bother him.
He almost has another life. He says being at home makes him
feel the walls are closing in on him. His father left when he
was in fifth grade and he has not dealt with that. We are not
a priority. We have discussed being apart for about 30-60 days.
For the second round he has said he will try to do better and for
the past week he has. I feel there are some major issues that
need to be dealt with in marital counseling and individual counseling.
I have been to a counselor for a while but he will not. He says
it is for financial reason. I don't know. I have been
holding us and building the bridges for quite a few years now and
I believe my boundaries are being trampled on. I don't know
what to do. I have tried everything but I think he doesn't take
me seriously. I have not questioned where he goes or who he
spends time with. I feel he needs a jolt. Tough Love.
What do you suggest?
Susan
Dear
Susan:
This is a tough one. But we know nothing is
too hard for the Lord.
I'm sure you are tired of suggestions and it sounds
like you've tried to do many things including taking on responsibilities
that aren't your own. My heart goes out to you.
But I want to warn you that separation usually is
very harmful. Most couples who separate end up divorced according
to statistics. Why? Because (as one author said) "love
can stand anything but distance". Love needs to
be nutured, not abandoned. When people separate... assumptions,
resentments, fears, anger and misinterpretations grow instead of
diminish. If couples are having problems with abuse than it is necessary
to separate to stop the escalation and protect the victim.
But otherwise I believe you can stay and grow.
You are probably asking, "Grow? How can
I grow in this painful relationship? Where I'm being ignored and
rejected?
Make it your aim to grow in Christ. Do
everything you can to place Him at the center of your life. Concentrate
on Bible study, prayer, prayer with a mentor or friend or group.
Talk with your pastor to get encouragement to be obedient to God.
Take care of yourself. You realize that you
have a weight problem. Work on the personal issues that you
have in your life such as trying to join a group - even on the web
- which will help you with weight management such as: In
His Image (a web support group
with resources) and Overeaters
Anonymous . And include a regular
exercise plan.
Then pray for your husband . Maybe he is depressed.
Try your best to forgive him and understand what he is going through.
I realize that will be hard. But think about all that Christ
has forgiven you for. "Be kind and compassionate
to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave
you." Ephes. 4:32
The Christian life is sacrifice. When you took
your vows...you probably said, "for better or worse, in sickness
and in health". God can be your strength now as you
travel through "the worse" part of your marriage.
This is a testing period. Give God an opportunity
to be there for you...comforting you, strengthening you, teaching
you and purifying you. The
world would say..."don't let him step on you" but what would Christ
say?
"Turn the other cheek." He is your husband not an enemy.
Trust that God is greater than this. He
cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety
on Him because He cares for you."
Let go of trying to change him. It could be
that you are experiencing the syndrome called "Pursuer-distancer"in
your relationship. Many marriage experts and authors
talk about this. The only way to break the syndrome is for the Pursuer
to stop pursuing. It doesn't work to keep pursuing.
The other spouse will almost always withdraw. Let it go and give
it to God.
I'd like to recommend some books on our resources
page such Divorce
Busting: A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying Together
by Michele Weiner-Davis; and Hope
for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by Gary
Chapman. Also read the Faq's page on forgiveness
and marriage and divorce.
I hope you will hang in there. Let me
know how you are doing. Also, I would like your permission
to use your question in my advice column and of course I will not
use your name. Thanks for writing.
I hope this is helpful. I know many couples
who have rebuilt their relationships. Divorce is a very painful
route.
I hope you won't take it.
God bless you!
Lynette
Dear
Lynette, You may use my letter. I will write soon. Thanks
so much! Susan
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