Need your advice- Been married for 21 yrs. Have 3 girls. I have been a Christian but 2 years ago our church went through some major doctrinal changes and we lost over 65% of our entire fellowship to break off splinter groups. With all the confusion created personally I have felt like throwing out religion completely out of my life. I still go to church but my heart is not in it anymore. Another situation i find myself in is that also 2 years ago under all the stress i started having feelings for my secretary who was younger and very beautiful. She wanted me but I choose not to get involved and do the right thing. I wanted her to be happy & knew in time she would find someone single and she could be married. She got another job and did find someone and is now engaged to be married. Problem is i had a lot of feelings for her and my desire for my wife has really gone. Even though I made the right choice not to get involved I still have paid a price in my own marriage.
My question is that over time can the feelings that I have lost for my wife return. I feel I just don't have the feelings & desire towards her anymore & I can't seem to give her what she needs. I wonder sometimes if she is better off with someone who loves & desires her in the way I don't anymore. Thanks for  listening.

Dear Friend:
Thanks so much for writing.  I'm sure you must be feeling pretty badly about the loss of desire for your wife and the disappointments you have had with your church. I would venture to say that you are still grieving over the pain you went through with your church and loss of friends and community.  I would also think that you are grieving the loss of your secretary's admiration and possible hope that something might happen between the two of you.  In light of these factors and, in addition, the pain you are having in your marriage along with guilt that you no longer care for your wife, I wonder if you might be suffering from some depression.
Has any of this affected your ability to concentrate, zest for life, ability to function adequately at work, sleep, appetite or weight?   If so, then I would say that you are dealing with some depression which needs to be addressed so it will no longer hinder your life and mental outlook.  Check out my article on depression .  Consider talking with a counselor and exploring whether you might benefit from an anti-depressant.  You can contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional. 
May I suggest that you look at several aspects of your life and take time to make some of the needed changes in the following recommendations:
1.  Try God again.  People disappoint us, but God remains faithful and truly desires a relationship with us. Religion itself is also disappointing, but when you grow in your relationship with God and Jesus Christ, your perspective on life, the future, problems and relationships will improve.  Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly."  John 10:10   Jesus wants an intimate relationship with us.  Read about this in my article on faith .   A good book is Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey $4.79 which you can order off our resources page.
2. Work through the grief process you have started.   You will not be able to have feelings for your wife when you still feel something for this other woman.  Read my articles on grief and grief recovery . And you will find some recommended books in these articles. 
3. Since you contemplated the idea of an affair, I suggest that you  might benefit from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder $11.99 on our resources page.  This book explains the process and factors which come into play  for both spouses when there has been an affair.  Though you did not have an affair, it seems to me that you had an emotional affair which can affect you almost as deeply and robs your marriage of the intimacy and closeness you may have had in the past. 
4. Take care of yourself.  Get some regular aerobic exercise.  Start a new hobby. Increase your education or training.  Build your self-esteem in Christ.  Read The Search for Significance by Robert McGee  (on our resources page).  Build some healthy friendships with men.  Get involved in a support group or Bible study group.  Seek out pastoral counseling at a good evangelical church. You can get a referral to one near you at Willowcreek's web site.
5. Begin to do some positive caring things to enrich your relationship with your wife. You may not feel like it but positive feelings usually result from our positive, caring behavior towards someone.  When we do something we know we need to do even though we don't want to, we usually end up feeling better about ourselves and the other person involved.  Paul writes in Ephesians 4:31 "Be kind and compassionate towards one another, forgiving one another as God in Christ Jesus has forgiven you."  He is talking about taking deliberate steps to express kindness and compassion to others.  It is not based on feelings, but on our desire to obey God and please Him.  It is also based on your will and determination to do what is right. His blessing will follow.  Try dating your wife again. Try going to a marriage enrichment seminar with her.  Ask God to renew your feelings for her.  He can do it!   Read Love Busters: Overcoming Habits that Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley  $11.89 found our resources page. Other excellent books can be ordered on our resources page, also.
6. Commit yourself to doing God's will in your life.  You will never be sorry. Proverbs 3:5-6 reads: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."   Don't rely on your own feelings or circumstances right now.  Study the Word of God.  Get to know God and His love for you better than you've ever known Him.   He will change you from the inside out.  He is in the business of not only
directing our steps but giving us the desire to follow His direction.

Seek pastoral counseling as well.   .Please contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional 
May I reprint your question anonymously in my advice column?   Thank you and God bless you!    Let me know how you are doing.         Lynette Hoy,NCC, LCPC

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