Dear Counselor,
     There's something bothering my close friend and she related to me that since her memory of her childhood abuse came back a few months ago, she has been very troubled. She thought that by the grace of God, she has accepted and faced the reality of her abuse after the memory came back but now she finds it difficult to face her abuser. Each time she went home to visit her  mother who abused her for many years, she could not behave like the filial child she has been all these years. She has prayed a prayer of forgiveness to forgive her mother... but it seems like she has anger in her heart. She is very unsure about it and confused. As a christian she knows that it is important to honor one's parents. Yet, inside her she feels as if there's deep hidden anger in her heart towards her mother, the abuser. Why is it that when my friend has faced the reality that she was abused during her childhood and not repress her feelings, she felt more disturbed than the past when she was ignorant of it? I wish to help her, but I could not. Please reply to my question as soon as possible. I appreciate any advice you can offer deeply.
Thanks,  A close friend

Dear Close Friend: 
Once a person faces the reality of a loss in his/her life or childhood abuse, her/she must experience grief.  Because grief is a process, someone said, “The only way out of grief is through”.
Your friend has been stuck in denial of her childhood abuse and now has been forced out of that to deal with and face the pain and the abuser.
There are many ways to look at the grief process. Dr. kubler-Ross identified this pattern in dying patients:   denial “there must be some mistake”; anger “why me?”; bargaining...an attempt to postpone; depression: sorrow over past losses & that to
come; acceptance/ reorganization.
Dr. Colin Murray-Parkes defined 4 phases of mourning:
1. A period of numbness occurring close to the time of loss
2. A phase of yearning: for lost one to return; a denial of the
    permanence
3. Disorganization/despair; bereaved finds it difficult to function in environment.
4. Reorganized behavior...beginning to pull life back together.

Your friend may be experiencing some of the following symptoms:
          ...shock, sadness, crying; changes in life & roles &
             responsibilities; fears about the future,
          ...feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, anxiety,  loneliness, confusion, yearning.
          ...Difficulties with faith, socialization and maintaining normal activities for a  time.
          ...anorexia, somatic distress, fatigue,
          ...guilt, anger, hostility,
          ...The normal of stages: shock, protest, disorganization,
reorganization.

“After a significant loss many people have the sense they are going crazy, particularly if they have not sustained a major loss before.”

Though one experiences the phases of grief he/she is not a helpless victim. There are tasks which a person can actually work through whether he/she has been through the death of someone close, a divorce, or been victimized through abuse or crisis.
The following  4 phases of grieving must be worked through and it will take a period of time to do it:
.
  1. Shock vs. reality; The task of this stage is to accept the reality of the loss/divorce.  The person is gone and will not return vs. denial/unbelief of the loss.  The childhood experience cannot be changed.
  2. Protest vs. experience; The task is to experience the pain of grief rather than suppress or avoid it. One needs to face the pain of loss, feel the pain & express his/her grief rather than run away.
{Dr. Colin Murray Parkes wrote) “If it is necessary for the bereaved person to go through the pain of grief in order to get the grief work done, then anything continuously allowing person to avoid or suppress pain can be expected to prolong the course of mourning.”  In our culture today we tend to encourage people to suppress the pain...people say "you should be over him/her (or some crisis) by now"   This is particularly true in the case of abuse. There are many scars from childhood... many fears, much anger and resentment to be worked
through.
 3. Disorganization vs. adjustment: Adjusting to the environment without the person...if it is a spouse...coming to terms with living alone, raising
children alone, facing an empty house, managing finances and taking on new roles.  One loses a companion, lover, friend, partner in parenthood, provider, way of life, or a childhood. 
In the case of abuse, one must adjust to no longer relating to or to relating to that person in a different way.
 4. Attachment vs. reorganization:  Detaching  from the person, memories and hopes and reinvesting in other relationships or in the case of abuse: forgiving and letting go of the past trauma.

Facing the loss with God's help, placing our hope in Christ, our Savior and experiencing the feelings and work of grief promotes healing.

When should someone get help or counseling?  When he/she does not accept reality of loss: When one gets stuck in the past or doesn’t develop coping skills; withdraws from world, and/or becomes increasingly helpless.  It is time to get professional help when depression sets in:

When one manifests Major Depression Symptoms:
*over 2 week period.
...lengthy depressed mood
...decreased interest or pleasure in most activities
...significant weight loss or weight gain
...insomnia or hypersomnia
...fatigue or loss of energy ...worthlessness or excessive/ inappropriate guilt
...difficulties thinking/ concentrating, indecisiveness nearly every day.
...negativity
..thoughts of death/suicide

The Bible talks about grief. Gen. 6:6  reads “He was grieved in His heart.”  Who is this talking about? God. He experienced grief; He knows what it is like.
When one enters into grief, he/she enters into the valley of shadows. There is nothing heroic or noble about grief. It is painful. It is work. It is a lingering process. But it is necessary for all kinds of losses. It has been labeled everything from intense mental anguish to acute sorrow to deep remorse. 
There are a multitude of emotions involved in the grief process-emotions which seem out of control and often appear in conflict with one another. With each loss comes bitterness, emptiness, apathy, love, anger, guilt, sadness, fear, self-pity, and helplessness.
People in the Bible grieved.   Naomi was deeply grieved after the loss of her husband and 2 sons:
Ruth 1:3-5  "Now Elimelech, Naomi's husband, died, and she was left with her two sons.  4 They married Moabite women, one named Orpah and the other Ruth. After they had lived there about ten years, both Mahlon and Kilion also died, and Naomi was left without her two sons and her husband"
 Naomi not only lost her family, she lost her providers and her dreams for the future.
Ruth 1:8-14 "Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, "Go back, each of you, to your mother's home. May the LORD show kindness to you, as you have shown to your dead and to me. May the LORD grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband." Then she kissed them and they wept aloud and said to her, "We will go back with you to your people." 11 But Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought
there was still hope for me-- even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons-- would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the LORD's hand has gone out against me!" At this they wept again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-by, but Ruth clung to her."
Ruth, Orpah and Naomi wept.  Naomi faced reality...she couldn’t provide a husband for them.  She expressed anger, and bitterness "The hand of the Lord has gone against me."  "The Almighty has made my life very bitter."
Ruth 1:20-21 "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.21 I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me."
But Naomi and Ruth did what they knew was right and trusted even when they couldn't understand why God allowed the trials to take place. God provided for them.
Jesus grieved in the garden of Gethsemane:
Luke 22:42 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  Luke 22:44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
Matt 26:38
38 Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
Matt 26:42 He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."

 ***Naomi & Jesus felt the pain of suffering and grief yet endured it &
submitted to God’s will....

How can one keep from falling apart and  "Ride out the storm of grief"?   Will the death of a loved one, a divorce, a miscarriage or childhood abuse shatter one's life forever?    Grief gives us only one place to go....God.
 C.S. Lewis wrote  “Relying on God has to begin all over again everyday as if nothing had yet been done”
 Paul wrote in the New Testament about hardships:
"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Cor 1:8-9
In the face of loss, hardship & uncertainty we can..
 Discover the power of grief by allowing the pain of grief to move us towards God & to learn to rely totally on Him.   When we discover that only God can comfort & His presence is more of a reality than ever before we discover what’s good about grief.
St. Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 12:9-10...“When I am weak, then I am strong.”

In order to keep from falling apart we begin with:
 A. Surrender and acceptance & prayer: We can use loss to help our faith grow and move us towards reliance on Christ. The pain of grief draws us to Christ.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."Matt 11:28-30 (NIV)
  ...God hears our prayers, provides comfort and rest.

 B. since “the only way out of grief is through” we need to work through the stages of grief:  feel the pain, express it in healthy ways through journaling, prayer, close friends. Depend on God for strength to take on new responsibilities.  Pace yourself.  Let other people help.
“The overall purpose of grief is to bring you to the point of making the
necessary  changes you need to make so you can live with the loss in a healthy way.”
It is at this turning point in our lives that God works on us and through
us....on our characters, perspective, behavior helping us to become more Christlike.

What do you need to do to get to the point of living with the loss in a healthy way?  These four steps can be helpful for most types of losses.

1. You need to change your relationship with whatever you lost. If it was a person, you eventually need to come to the realization that the person is dead and that you are no longer married to or relating to him or her.
You need to recognize the change and develop new ways of relating to the deceased or living person. You must learn to exist without the person the way you once learned to exist with the person. Memories, both positive and negative, will remain with you.  You need to confront and forgive the person who has abused you.

2. The next step is to develop your own self and your life to encompass and reflect the changes that occurred because of your loss. This will vary depending uponwhether the loss involved a job, an opportunity, a relationship, or the loss of aparent or spouse to death. Developing respect and self-esteem is important in the case of abuse.

3. The third step is discovering and taking on new ways of existing and functioning without whatever it was that you lost. This involves a new identity, but without totally forgetting. Finally, you discover new directions for the emotional investments that you once had in the lost object, situation or person.

4. The 4th step is to discover new directions for the emotional investments that you once had in the lost object, situation or person.  These steps may sound simple, but they are not, since all of grief involves work, effort and pain.

Ps 23:4
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (NIV)
“the only way out of grief is through”

It is one thing to work through the grief, it is another thing to make grief (the loss or trauma) the focus of your whole life.  Your friend needs to deal with it and begin moving forward.
Forgiveness will be an important factor in moving forward for your friend.
I hope this is helpful for you. You can be a support to your friend, but she must choose to work through the grief of the past and make helpful choices for the present. Encourage her to read the article on faith . 
I recommend the following Resources/books found in our Resources page:
Order the Stop the Victim Syndrome! an online/email course for handling abusive relationships for only $15.00! Take the Stop the Victim Syndrome! inventory to see if you are in an abusive relationship. This online course will help you determine whether you are in an abusive relationship and then, help you learn skills to to deal with the abusive person in your life. There are several parts to this course which you will be working on:
1. evaluating the situation/abuse,
2. discovering the biblical perspective on your relationship,
3. your response and behavior in your relationships,
4. improving your support,
5. your personal needs: emotionally and physically, and
6. personal steps to change.
You will also be given further resources.
You can access this course online or by email.

Please click the Buy Now logo to order by credit card through Pay Pal.com, a secure server. You will be paying CounselCare Connection a new organization owned by Lynette Hoy and Steve Yeschek:

Purchase these resources:
Putting Your Past Behind You: Finding Hope for Life's Deepest Hurts by Erwin Lutzer   $9.59
Child Sexual Abuse : A Hope for Healing by Maxine Hancock, Karen Burton Mains   $9.59
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis Smedes   $9.60
Truth Talk: Telling Yourself and Each Other the Truth by William Backus, Marie Chapian   $9.99
Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey  $4.79
Recovering from the Losses of Life  by H. Norman Wright $7.99

See the AACC directory for a list of counselors in your area: www.aacc.net God bless you! 
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

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