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More Than a Friend to Me
Good Day, I am a 22 year old male law studenta. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior in 1998. I know I am young in the faith, but I try to learn. However, there is a part of my life that I am struggling with. Although I am 22 years old, I have never had a "girlfriend." I never really socialized with the opposite sex until I graduated from undergraduate school and started attending law school. I know in Genesis that God says it is not good for man to be alone. I have always suffered from low self esteem and low self-worth due to the relentless bullying I faced in elementary through high school. I was always embarrassed, and I think that's one of the reasons I couldn't communicate effectively with the opposite sex. Recently, a young woman has come into my life that is wonderful. She is in my law school class. I've known her now for 2 years. During this time, we have hung out a lot in social settings, and some time alone. At the present time, she is a real good friend, but nothing has been said by either of us about our relationship growing past "being friends." Therein lies the rub. This girl has nurtured my Christian spirituality, since she has been saved for many years now. We have discussed the Lord, and Christianity. We have prayed together. Recently, we began attending a church service together. The point of all this is, she is a great, nice, sweet, beautiful, Christian woman, and I think I love her. I Corinthians 13 states that Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Also, Joh 3:18 states "Dear Children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth. When I read these passages, I think of my relationship with the young woman. The passages seem to describe the way I feel. I've said in the past that I could never be angry with her. I've tried sometimes, but It never works. The young lady is 27, I'm 22. Age is not a factor in my decision, but there have been times in the distant past where she said in conversation with others that she felt old around everyone at school. I'm afraid she doesn't give me the chance, because I'm a bit younger. I have prayed about my situation, and as you can tell, I've went to the scripture about it. I need to know whether I need to leave the situation alone and possibly lose her to someone else because I didn't ask, or do I need to bring it up and express my feelings? If I need to act, how do I do so without risking scaring her away? I don't believe I would offend her to the point where she didn't want to be around me, but I just don't want things to get weird. Thank you, and may God Bless You, and may God Continue to Bless America! Answer: Dear Friend, You wrote: "I need to know whether I need to leave the situation alone and possibly lose her to someone else because I didn't ask, or do I need to bring it up and express my feelings? If I need to act, how do I do so without risking scaring her away?" It seems to me if you never take the risk of divulging your deeper feelings for this woman, you will regret it. I know many people who fall in love who have age differences. I don't believe that your age difference is too great. The fact that you are both believers and love the Lord is a wonderful foundation for a great relationship. The issues you brought up about yourself -- low self-esteem etc.-- are areas you need to determine to grow in. Why not write her a note or ask her on a special date. If you take the initiative (which the man should) she will get the hint that you see this relationship as something more than a friendship. You might say, "I would like to take you out to ______ restaurant Saturday night. Are you free? Dinner is on me!" When you are in the restaurant or afterwards..... begin by telling her your feelings. "We have known each other for over 2 years now. We have so much in common, don't you think? I have discovered so many things about you which are delightful..... your spirituality, your sense of humor, your goals .......etc. I confess that our relationship has become more than a friendship to me. I would like to date you (or change the direction to deepen our relationship and see where God will take us). How would you feel about that?" You needn't tell her you love her......but, this will take you further and you will be taking the initiative which I believe she would like you to do. This also opens the door to see how she is feeling about the relationship and if she would like to date you. You need a male Christian mentor as well. It would help you to talk with a godly man who can give you advice and pray with you. It seems to me that God has brought the two of you together. Great marriages are built on solid friendships. You are off to a good start..... don't let any grass grow under your feet..... move forward!! Pray and trust that God will direct your steps. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6. God bless you! Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
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Notice: This advice column is not intended to take the place of direct professional mental health services but rather to provide insight into various problem situations and possible helpful resources and interventions. Please please contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional .