Dear Counselor:  My husband is very dear and good to me.  But I have a problem.  He has been divorced no children except he raised her son.  Now it has been 4 years since he has had any contact. The problem is that I keep in my mind of thoughts of him being with her.  I tell him I hate him being married to Sandra his ex-wife.  He tells me he does not love her and loves me only and does not even want to talk about it.  I can not stand the thoughts in my mind of him being with her, kissing her at one time...etc.  We have our own daughter now.  I just want to look to the future and let go of the past but I just can't or do not know how.   I have prayed but have not found relief.  The funny thing is, is that he has never given me any reason for jealousy such as comparison...     Well please give me advice on how to get over this.   Silently Suffering 

Dear Friend: 
Maybe you never accepted the fact that your husband was married in the past before the two of you got married.  It sounds like there are several issues going on for you personally.  First, you may have to go through the grieving process because this is a loss for you....a loss in that you were not the first choice in your husband's life; a loss of your dream to be the "only woman" in your husband's life.  Also, it seems that this has affected your self-worth.  I really suggest you consider counseling because you need to get these feelings out in a safe atmosphere and work through the grief and on your self-worth issues. 
If you are a Christian or considering becoming one, I suggest that you read the following Bible passages: Psalm 139 in the Old Testament, the Gospel of John, and Ephesians in the New Testament to grow in your understanding of God's love for you, and His plan for your life. There are many books on our web site that will help you such as:  
The Search for Significance by Robert McGee   $11.99 
A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Susan Blumberg, Dean Edell   $12.00  
Growing in Remarriage : Seven Keys to a Successful Second Marriage by Jim Smoke   $6.39  
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis Smedes   $9.60 
Truth Talk: Telling Yourself and Each Other the Truth by William Backus, Marie Chapian   $9.99 
 His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley $11.89 
Look for more books on our resources page   
You can order these right from our site.  
But you may have other problems in your marriage which need to be addressed through counseling and underlie this issue also.   I would encourage you to work on yourself first.  Where is this issue really coming from?  Seek counseling and a book like Search for Significance or Telling Yourself the Truth to get to the root causes & work through them.  Please contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional.   
Ask Christ to take over the "throne" of your life.   Surrender yourself to Him, asking for forgiveness and a complete changem of direction in your life.    Give Him the control.   Ask your pastor or elders for prayer. Seek out a small group Bible study for support, Christian friends and prayer.  
There is nothing like living fully for Christ.  When you walk with Christ 
wholeheartedly you will experience more understanding of yourself and your husband; more fulfillment of your need for self-worth; victory over sin, the reality of His love, presence, power, peace and purpose in your life.   Jesus said: "I have come to give you life and to give it more abundantly" in John 10:10 and He said "I am the way, the truth and the life, no man comes to the Father but by me." in John 14:6. You can know you are going to heaven and that you are in His will and plan.  That He is there for you.  That He will help you with your pain & comfort you.  
There is nothing like living for Christ. He is the living water and will satisfy your needs.  These verses talk about the experience you will have as you grow in Christ. 
John 15:1-2  
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  
 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  
John 15:5 
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 
John 16:24 
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. 
John 16:33 
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  
John 16:27 
No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. (NIV) 
I hope this at least starts you on a path towards healing.    God bless you!    May I have your permission to use your question 
anonymously in my advice column?    Thank you for writing.     Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC  
Please contact AACC for a referral to a professional in your area in the Christian Care Network

Dear Lynette:  
Yes you may use this in your advice column or anywhere else anonymously.  You are right I never did accept that he was married before and the dream is gone.  Also my esteem is down.  Thanks for the insight.