1. I am wondering whether I should give my spouse a second 
 chance... 

 2. Why should I reconsider divorcing my spouse... 

 3. My wife and I are separated and getting a divorce... 

 4. How can I keep from falling apart after my divorce... 

 5. Is there life after divorce...

 6. What about Remarriage?

 7. How can I forgive my ex-spouse?

 1. I am wondering whether I should give my spouse a second chance. We are separated because he had abused me. It 
 seems that my spouse doesn't want to change but keeps 
 pressuring me to take him back. What should I do? 

 This is a very big dilemma for Christians since the Bible does not 
 seem to speak directly to the problem of abuse and domestic 
 violence in marriage. Certainly, if your life or your children's lives 
 are in danger, the Lord would want you to protect yourself. The 
 Lord desires peace not anger and strife in relationships, and He 
 forbids people from endangering another person's life. Lev. 19:16: 
 "Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the 
 Lord." And Prov. 22:24 says: "Do not make friends with a 
 hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered,.." 
 (NIV) If your husband actively begins work on his anger problems 
 through counseling and accountability with a pastor, elder or 
 spiritual mentor then you might consider working on your 
 relationship with him. You would want to see some demonstrable 
 changes over a period of 6 or more months before moving back with 
 him. You want to know that you can trust him. You will need 
 marriage counseling to help you both learn conflict management 
 skills. That way you can learn what provokes and escalates his 
 anger and how to help stop the escalation. Conflict can be 
 managed, but there are usually communication and many other 
 issues to work on as a couple. Putting Christ at the center of your 
 life and seeing your spouse do the same is critical before you just 
 "get back together". If Christ is not in control of your lives then the 
 old behavior will probably not change. With Christ you and your 
 husband can begin again, put the abuse and conflict behind you; 
 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has 
 gone, the new has come!" 2 Cor 5:17 (NIV) and behave in healthy 
 and loving ways towards each other.  
 I would recommend that your read this  excellent book on the topic of  separation:   Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by Gary Chapman. 

 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC,  LCPC 

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 2. Why should I reconsider divorcing my spouse? As couples 
 walk down the aisle together they might not say this out 
 loud, but they're probably thinking it "If it doesn't work out, I 
 can always get a Divorce....".  

 Yes, 50-60% of newly-weds today will experience divorce because 
 they finally acted on this subtle thought. What has happened? 
 Why do people rush to the altar only to end up in court years later? 
 What kind of life can they expect after it's all over? Shouldn't they 
 reconsider? The answers to these questions aren't easy. Some 
 researchers say that "growing apart", "not feeling loved & 
 appreciated", "sexual problems" and "finances" are the top reasons 
 for divorce. The Bible is pretty clear about what God says are 
 reasons for divorce and that God hates divorce. Yes, there are 
 biblical reasons for divorce. But our culture says that you don't 
 need a reason. It's nobody's fault, so go ahead and get a divorce. 
 After all, it didn't work out. Maybe we as Christians have lost the 
 commitment to work on the difficulties and challenges of marriage. 
 Endurance, perseverance, courage and hard work get exchanged 
 for citations, petitions, broken hearts and child support. And how 
 does it all end up? Lives are shattered, spouses move out, bills 
 abound, children face an uncertain & lonely future. Every area of life 
 is affected. PBS showed a program called "Children of Divorce" 
 recently. It should have been called "Children of Grief". There were 
 tears, questions, uncertainty, fears and stricken faces. I know. I 
 remember the divorce of my parents. So, you say, tell me 
 something hopeful, you're a counselor, you're supposed to give me 
 hope. O.K. Here's the hope. If you are considering divorce, 
 reconsider. So many couples have worked on their marriages and 
 have been successful. Stories abound. Marriages are saved. 
 Children are happier. Money is in the bank. If you are going through 
 a divorce, there is life on the other side. Talk to Christians who 
 have gone through it. But maybe you should think it through again 
 with the help of Jesus Christ, the Bible, pastors, counselors and 
 friends. God can bring good out of divorce. But that doesn't make 
 divorce a good thing. As with any trial, God is your helper, He has 
 a plan for you and will help you grow through it. Isaiah 40:29 says, 
 "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the 
 weak." It's not the end of the world. But it's probably harder to work 
 out a divorce than work on a marriage. 
 I recommend the following book as you consider  rebuilding your   relationship: Reconciliable Differences/With Study Guide by Jim  Talley 

 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC 

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 3. My wife and I are separated and getting a divorce. What 
 problems will I face during this crisis in my life? When loss 
 occurs, the grieving begins and we are changed forever. 
 Divorce is loss.....of a marriage partner, lover, companion, 
 and friend....propelling us into grief and change.  

 You will begin this process of grief during your separation and 
 divorce. Though you will experience phases of grief you are not a 
 helpless victim...you can work through them with the strength of 
 the Lord. You can learn the lessons God has for you through this 
 loss. First you will learn to accept the reality of the loss/divorce. 
 Give yourself some time to get over the shock and experience the 
 pain of grief . Facing the pain of divorce, feeling it & expressing 
 your grief in healthy ways rather than suppressing it will help you 
 work through the loss. Another lesson will be to learn to adjust to 
 your surroundings without your spouse...come to terms with living 
 alone, raising your children alone, facing an empty house, 
 managing your finances alone and taking on new roles. But, 
 remember, with Christ you are never alone. "And surely I am with 
 you always, to the very end of the age." Matt 28:20 (NIV) In the last 
 phase you will learn to detach from your spouse, the memories and 
 the hopes...and invest in other relationships and friendships. 
 Facing the loss squarely with God's help and working through 
 these phases of grief will assist in your healing. You will 
 experience other adjustments such as determining your 
 responsibility and your spouse's responsibility for the breakdown of 
 the marriage. See the following scriptures: Matt. 5:31-2; 19:3-9; 
 Mark 10: 2-12; Lk. 10:18; Ephes. 5:21-33; I Cor. 7:10-16. You will 
 experience the reality and hurt of no longer being "number one" and 
 feeling alienated. You will most likely have to retain a lawyer. 
 Though marriage dissolution can be a relatively simple procedure, 
 the division of property may require extensive litigation. This will 
 alter your life style as the car, the house, computer, pets, etc. are 
 divided up. You will always be a co-parent with your spouse since 
 when a child's parents are divorced from each other they are not 
 divorced from the child. Physical custody and visitation privileges 
 will be decided by the courts or a qualified mediator. The most 
 enduring hurt can be experienced at this stage. You will learn to 
 become autonomous and separate from your spouse. You can 
 make this a time for positive growth in your life. The overall purpose 
 of grief is to bring you to the point of making the necessary 
 changes you need to make so you can live with the loss in a 
 healthy way. God can bring good out of a trial like this. But, make 
 certain that if it is your choice to get a divorce that you have 
 counseled with your pastor or elders and determined that it is 
 biblical. If there is any way you can save your marriage...ask your 
 wife to consider rebuilding your relationship with the help of Christ, 
 Christian counseling, prayer and support.  
 I recommend reading the following book since it will provide you with  excellent guidance: When the Vow Breaks: A Survival and Recovery Guide for Christians Facing Divorceby Joseph Warren Kniskern.  

 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC  

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 4. How can I keep from falling apart after my divorce? Will 
 divorce and separation shatter my life forever? " 

 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the 
 hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great 
 pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired 
 even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But 
 this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who 
 raises the dead." 2 Cor 1:8-9 As Paul relied on God in his trials, 
 you can let the trials of divorce and separation stimulate you to rely 
 on Christ. Jesus will keep you from falling apart. He said: "Come to 
 me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 
 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and 
 humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke 
 is easy and my burden is light."Matt 11:28-30 God hears your 
 prayers, He provides comfort and rest. His very presence in your 
 life will calm your heart and mind. Allow yourself to feel the pain, 
 and express it in healthy ways through journaling, prayer, and 
 talking to close friends. Depend on God for strength to take on new 
 responsibilities. Pace yourself. Let people help. You can stabilize 
 your life by growing in your faith and relationship with Christ 
 through reading the your Bible regularly, prayer and a supportive 
 church. You can build support with friends and family and learn to 
 manage your money in creative ways. You need not fall apart or 
 collapse under the pressures of divorce and separation. Jesus 
 Christ can provide the help that you need for inner strength and 
 stability during this storm.  
 Get involved in a Divorce Care support group  in a local church.  
 

 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC  

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 5. Is there life after divorce?  

 Life as a single, divorced person is not directionless, purposeless 
 or hopeless. Why? Just reflect on these verses: God has plans for 
 you... "I know the plans I have for you" Jere 29:11 (NIV) God will 
 strengthen you.. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O 
 Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded 
 by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is 
 the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not 
 grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He 
 gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 
 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and 
 fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They 
 will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 
 they will walk and not be faint. Isa 40:27-31 (NIV) You can know 
 God personally..when you trust Jesus Christ as your Savior and 
 Lord. That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and 
 believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be 
 saved. Rom 10:9 (NIV) God will help you persevere and mature.. 
 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many 
 kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops 
 perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may 
 be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4 (NIV) 
 Dr. Larry Crabb eloquently states the goal of Christian maturity this 
 way: "Christ wants us to face reality as it is, including all the fears, 
 hurts, resentments, and self-protective motives we work hard to 
 keep out of sight, and to emerge as changed people. Not 
 pretenders. Not perfect. But more able to deeply love because 
 we're more aware of His love." You can experience contentment 
 through Christ "I have learned to be content in everything....." I am 
 not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be 
 content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in 
 need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret 
 of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or 
 hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything 
 through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:11-13 (NIV) You can 
 anticipate the future and trust God after your divorce.  
 You will find this book very helpful providing hope for your future:  
Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke. 

 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC  

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