Advice: Marriage

Marriage: "I'm feeling shut out"

Dear Lynette:

My spouse had taken a self defense course for three weeks. IT WAS INTENSE!!!
One of main tools in teaching the participants the skills in the course was to get them into a high adrenaline/fear state, and teach hem to work in that state and not lock up. I think that this is valuable and
effective. The lessons are certainly imprinted into them. However I wonder...I think that they are very vulnerable to suggestion in the "high adrenaline/fear" state and have questions about a slight bit of brain washing. Just something I have been thinking about, because of all the changes that have taken place in my wife.
My wife's confidence in herself has grown. Something that I have tried to accomplish all thru our years of marriage. She now sees that she is valuable as a person,     beautiful and attractive, inside and out, also things that I have tried to get her to see.
Through the duration of the course, my wife and I had emotional, mental, spiritual and physical intimacy that we had only known in about the first year of our marriage. It was wonderful beyond words. Things that I have been trying to get back for many years, trying everything that I could, including "doing nothing and waiting". Then, just as suddenly as she opened up, she shut down and drew away even further than before, with almost a vengeance. I think that the intimacy frightened her and she rebounded. It hurt and hurts more than anything I have experienced before. Our communication has been scrambled. Like Babel. She seems to have a new dictionary with new meanings
to old words. I have been thinking that she may seem to be living and mixing the past hurts in her life with the present conversations. She doesn't seem to hear what I am saying, but gets offended and angry. I have always been able to count on our communication before, but now that that is gone, I don't know where to go from here. And I seem to be shut out from any input into these things.
Any way, there is so much more, but that is some in a nut shell.
Thanks for listening, this is a situation that I don't know if you have ever
run across before. My wife seems to be pulling away more
and more and seeking independence and individuality more than pulling together and strengthening the marriage. we are seeking another counselor that she can have confidence in. Please let me know if you think you could help, or know anyone that possibly could, or books to read to help me understand what she is going through.

Dan

Lynette J. Hoy wrote:

Dear Dan: This sounds like a complicated set of problems, one being your wife's past, another your relationship, another the result of the self-defense course, another being a physiological state and then some spiritual problems. I would encourage you to contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area since I do not know where you reside.
Because of my nursing background, I wonder about the high adrenaline state your wife has experienced and what that does to the nervous system over the long-haul. It might be necessary to have a good physical or see a psychiatrist.That state must give a person some very high moods and some very low moods. She should have her serotonin levels checked.
I would encourage you to get marriage counseling since it will help sort out some of the communication problems and misunderstandings you have and help you both begin the process of forgiveness that needs to take place in your relationship.
Any non-Christian counselor will probably encourage you or your wife to move towards independence and away from any codependence tendencies. A Christian counselor should help you learn biblical interdependence in your relationship and a biblical love.
Thanks for your question. I wish I could help more but without seeing you there are too many questions left unanswered. God bless you! Love your wife and read some good books like The Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley (you can order them right from our resources page) to help you continue to do what you can to grow in your marriage.

Lynette

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Notice: This advice column is not intended to take the place of direct professional mental health services but rather to provide insight into various problem situations and possible helpful resources and interventions. See the AACC directory for a list of counselors in your area: www.aacc.net