| "I
don't know how to develop boundaries for my life"
Lynette,
I want to know why do I always end up giving up and compromising
so much of my happiness and life for somebody else. In the end I
am always so unhappy, but I don't know how to develop boundaries
for my life. Could you give me some words of wisdom. Thanks.
Dear
Friend:
Codependency is another popular and overused term
today. Yet the syndrome of codependency continues to cause
problems in people's lives. Codependence means that one person has
been so controlled and consumed by another person’s problem that
they develop a set of their own problems revolving around that other
person’s problem. In general the relationship where there
is codependency causes excessive dependency and taking on of someone
else's responsibilities. Example: a housewife with alcoholic
husband feels confused, anxious and in crisis and tries to get her
husband to change because she feels over-responsible and guilty
for her husband’s alcoholism. She takes on shame and guilt for her
spouse's unacceptable behavior and thus takes on his responsibilities.
The codependent person also has a need to feel needed.
Ultimately, codependency is based on fear and self-protection vs.
relying on God. The codependent person needs to feel in control
and thus, takes on the other person's responsibilities because he/she
cannot handle the tension of the consequences that result...ie.,
when the boss calls to see why that person did not show up at work,
the codependent makes an excuse for him/her because of the fear
or potential of job loss.
How
might faulty Christian teaching promote codependency?
The Christian feels like he or she has to turn the other cheek or
go the extra mile in every situation. Or he or she may have
a Savior complex in which he/she feels a responsibility to fix every
problem which comes along. Christians may promote denial or
confrontation of problems for the sake of peace (at-all-costs) vs.
speaking the truth in love about taking responsibility. This
is part of the reason that families take on dysfunctional
roles which emulate the "don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust" rules.
Codependent
people suffer from these symptoms:
- loss
of objectivity,
- warped
sense of responsibility,
- easily
controlled or controlling,
- excessive
feelings of guilt, hurt and anger, loneliness,
- extreme
fear of rejection,
- excessive
fear of failure.
Setting
Boundaries:
Since it is not healthy to remain a codependent in relationships
with others, the question is: "how can you determine which boundaries
you need to put into place with people,?" I
suggest writing down the situations which are bothering you most.
- In
what situations are you giving up your happiness and life for
someone else? What happens? Are they making too many requests?
- When
are you feeling frustrated in your relationships?
- When
you say no to a request, do you feel guilty? What makes
you feel guilty when you say no or want to say no?
- When
you do something for someone else, do you short-circuit some responsibility
you need to accomplish for your own life?
- When
are you taking on someone else's responsibilities? Is that
person needy (disabled, overworked, etc.) or is he or she quite
capable of accomplishing these tasks?
Write
these questions out and answer with specific examples from your own
life. You need to explore your own life and relationships and
learn to be assertive with people and take better care of yourself.
Obviously, Christians are asked to go the extra mile
and to be kind and generous. In order to know when
you are helping someone out versus when you are helping them
continue a life of selfishness or irresponsibility, ask yourself this:
"Is this person asking you to do something because he or she really
has a need or is it because you have always done it
and/or he or she is avoiding responsibility?"
Resources:
Get the following books: Asserting
Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower, Susan
Anthony Bower or Telling
Each Other the Truth by William Backus, Marie Chapian
and/or Codependent
No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie from our resources
page.
Read the article on assertiveness
on our web site.
Also, consider how God can help you discern when helping
someone is helpful through prayer and reading scriptures such as
the book of Proverbs and the gospel of John. Read the articles
on Stress and Faith.
Take care of yourself.
Make sure you focus on accomplishing personal responsibilities and
keeping yourself healthy through exercise, and growing in spiritual,
mental and emotional health. Put Jesus Christ first in your life,
get fellowship and support in a local church. If you
don't have a church check out Willow
Creek for a referral to a solid evangelical church near you.
If you need to seek counseliing because this issue has caused you
to feel depressed or anxious, See
the AACC directory for a list of counselors in your area: www.aacc.net
God bless you! Lynette Hoy,
NCC, LCPC
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