Dear Counselor: My husband and I have been married for 20 years.  We have 2 daughters. A year ago my husband started chatting with women on the internet. He has chatted with the same women for a year now. All his free time is spent chatting with these women and I have become very jealous and hurt over this. We argue all the time over this. He says that the women don't mean anything to him but he won't quit. There's this one woman, which lives in another country, that he seems very close to. They talk everyday , they have sent each other their pictures and many URL's.They are always teasing each other and flirting in a nonsexual way. He is very secretive and doesn't let me see what she writes to him.He gets very mad when I tell him how much this hurts me. We have had our share of problems thru the years and have always managed to work them out up until now. I have become depressed and I feel unimportant to him. I have prayed and prayed for God's help and guidence. We have even talked about divorce. He tell's me he hates jealousy and that I should trust him. But it is hard not to feel that way when he spends so much time with her. 
Any advice you can give me? If you use this please don't use my name or anything. Thank you.. 

Dear Friend:  This is very dangerous.  Your husband has stepped over 
boundary lines in your marriage.  It is time to put your foot down.  Marriage is for 2 people, husband and wife, with no one else between you....   Your marriage and your friendship take precedence over any "female" friend (or whatever).  He is destroying the relationship, trust, intimacy and committment in your marriage.  You took vows to cherish each other...how does this "cherish" you?   This is a romantic relationship at the very least and definitely wrong for a married man to participate in. 
Ask him to go to counseling with you.   Please contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area
Then, if he refuses to go with you, ask him to see your pastor about this.  You need to go to your pastor and/or a counselor even if he doesn't.  This situation may require separation if he is not willing to work on your marriage.   I do not advocate divorce, but separation may show him how serious you are about his behavior and that you will not tolerate it.  He is addicted to these relationships and that is sin.  What he is doing is breaking the trust in your relationship.  Trust is a very important ingredient and foundational to your marriage. How can you be united and "one" if another woman (women) is interfering and so important to him that he ignores your concerns and needs and talks and emails them instead every day keeping it secret from you? If these relationships are not intimate or sexual than he should be able to show you all the emails he has sent & received to disprove any suspicions you have.  
He is bordering on unfaithfulness, though he may not have acted it out.  And if you put up with it, he will go farther.  He will just keep patronizing you. 
I recommend reading Love Must be Tough: Proven Hope for Families in Crisis by James Dobson. You can order it off our web site resources page as well as other relevant books.   
Take care of yourself. Do what you can to grow in Christ, get fellowship and support in a local church.   If you don't have a church check out Willow Creek for a referral to a solid evangelical church near you. 
God bless you!     Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

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You will learn:

1. How to hope again
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4. How to Express Your feelings to your spouse & work on your relationship
5. How to rebuild trust
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1. The inevitable pitfalls of marriage.
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