Dear Counselor: I had an affair with a single Christian whom I had become very good friends with. We fell very much "in love" and found it impossible to remain separated from each other.  Every time I thought it was over and we said goodbye, something would happen and we would be back together again. My husband knows about the affair and I end up telling him every time I fall back into it again. He goes nuts even if the other guy calls me and doesn't solicit me in anyway. My husband begins to send very vile  and vulgar messages to him and me.  It becomes quite ugly. 
Well, I have tried to end it (and the other guy has as well), but I find that I am deeply, emotionally "in love" and attached to the other man, and not to my husband. In fact, I find that I often resent my husband for not divorcing me. I resent him for his brutal treatment of me. I know what I did was wrong, but now I am "trapped" in my own doings. The other man and I are no longer communicating, but the temptation to talk to him crops up everyday. I know he will contact me again and I don't think I can hang up on him like everyone tells me to do. I find it rude 
to hang up on someone, especially someone I love. We had a very close friendship and even if we cannot be "together" there is still a part of me that wants to remain his friend. I don't know how this is possible. Well, the worst part is that this whole ordeal has deeply, and adversely 
affected my relationship to Christ. I knew I was saved before this, but now, sometimes I wonder. I find it difficult to be obedient to God. I just find myself so trapped and afraid that God will not forgive me for my horrific rebellion. There is so much inside me that just wants to be with the other man. I feel as if I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, even with all of the awful things that have happened Somehow, in all of this, I have left my husband out cold. I have hurt him horribly and I am afraid to face it or deal with it. I've been through so much pain already that I just don't know how to go through anymore. I know you will tell me that I must completely cut off all communications with the other man. Everyone has told me that, but I just haven't listened. I try for a while, then I fall again. And it's actually horrible that I really just want to see him no matter what anybody says. Both of us feel that way. We know that we cannot though. 
It only wreaks the most horrible havoc and destruction. Is there a way to cope with all of this?  A way to get back?  I am the true prodigal son. Please help.  Thank you.      Joan 

Dear Joan:    Thank you for your question.  You are right in saying that I will probably say the same things your friends have said to you.  It seems to me that you are torn between God's will and this temptation to continue having an affair.  You need to investigate what is going on at the core of your struggle with this sin. We know that any sin that becomes a habit in our lives will become a trap and a snare.  But my question is, "What has been missing in your life to cause you to look outside of your marriage for satisfaction?"   Maybe you have experienced pain from a dysfunctional family. There are so many possible answers to this one. Besides our sinful tendencies, Jere. 2:13 says "My people have committed 2 sins: they turned from me the living water and dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns which cannot hold water."   You are looking for water....but no water quenches the thirst of mankind unless it is from God.   The Samaritan woman couldn't find satisfaction in the relationships she had with many men. 
John 4:7-15  When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." 
11 "Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?" 13 Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." 15 The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."(NIV) 
What is it that is causing you to have such a deep need to attach to this man?    We know that the initial stage of enchantment/romance is very alluring and beguiling.  Could it be that you haven't had your deepest needs met through Christ?   I suggest reading the Search for Significancebook by Robert McGee.  You can find it on our resources page.   Most likely, you and your husband have not had a deep enough emotional connection between you.  That is typical for couples when there are personality differences & marital dissatisfaction.  
Could it also be that you cannot face loss?  Maybe there have been other losses in your life which make ending this affair more difficult. It sounds like this affair involves an emotional dependency. When that occurs along with sexual intimacy (you have become one flesh with this man) then it is very deceptive & ensnaring.  Indidelity is very ensnaring. Scriptures talk about this: Ps 106:36  They worshiped their idols, which became a snare to them. (NIV) 
But you can escape from the snare through the power of Christ.  
Paul in Phil 4:13 writes: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." 
Ps 124:7  We have escaped like a bird out of the fowler's snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped. (NIV) 
It seems to me that the greatest struggle is spiritual. Will you commit and surrender your life to Christ now no matter what the cost?  It will mean ending this relationship.  Read the book of Ruth and Phillipians.  Naomi, Ruth and Paul all knew what loss meant.  They continued to follow God and trust Him. You will need to face the loss as Paul did for the sake of knowing Christ. 
Phil 3:7-8 "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."(NIV) 
And Christ will meet your needs and strengthen you.   It will take courage and repenting from the sin in your life from this relationship. Your marriage has been fractured by your infidelity. Begin immediately to get Christian counseling for yourself and your marriage. Please contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area
Plan to goto a marriage retreat together like PREP's Fighting for Your Marriage.  Set up an appointment to talk and pray with a pastor.   There are a lot of trust issues that need to be resolved. Read more advice on adultery and on marriage on our web site..    I hope this will help you.   God bless you!    Lynette Hoy 
I recommend reading the following books: 
Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder 
The Search for Significance by Robert McGee  

Top of page