Dear Counselor: 
My husband and I are trying to make our marriage work, despite our individual instances of adultery (and obvious consequences thereof). Because my husband transferred to another state (at my request) in February, and I still have not joined him, he feels frustrated at my hesitation, and told me he thinks he is falling out of love with me because of all the disrespectful and selfish things I have done. I need to make sure my marriage survives!!! I want to be with my husband! 
We try to be intimate, but because of the sexual  nature of my affair, I find myself frigid with my husband. He visits me two or three times a month, and we are working towards my moving back with him in August.  I have issues with  trust , honesty , the ability to heal and forgive without holding grudges and being able to start again from here. 
My husband has cut himself off from his girlfriend, but I still have contact with my boyfriend and cannot seem to let go of this man. It's like I'm in love with them both.  I am afraid that my husband will leave me and that it will be my fault and that I will not have a chance to fix my family and raise my daughter right. 
Sometimes I just want to die and get this over with, and then a part of me says that I've always been a fighter and God wants me to see this through and get my family back together again. 
Please give me some advise on how to handle this difficult situation.         Cathy 
 

Dear Cathy:  
Thank you for your email and request for help regarding your marriage problems. I am encouraged to see that you want your marriage to survive.  Starting with the decision to commit to and work on your marriage is one of the first steps in restoration.  Of course, it goes without saying that committing yourself to the Lord and trusting Him to take you through the healing process is the place where you will find the strength and perseverance to work on your marriage. Resolve to surrender your will to Jesus and obey Him from this day forward.  
In doing that, you will need to cut off your relationship with this other man.  There is no way your marriage has a chance to survive when there is a 3rd party involved. There is no way you can obey the Lord if you continue your affair.  You have to face the loss now.  If you put it off it will be harder if not impossible to repair your marriage in the days ahead.  
Your marriage has been fractured by you and your husband.  
Begin immediately to get Christian counseling. Please contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area. You can get 
individual counseling for your frigidity and fears right now before moving back.  Then get a referral for a marriage counselor when you move back with your husband. Your daughter needs both of you and  
needs you to have a stable, growing marriage. Plan to go to a marriage retreat together like PREP's Fighting for Your Marriage. Set up an appointment to talk and pray with a pastor.  
There are a lot of trust issues that need to be resolved. I want 
to encourage you to look on our resources page in our web site: http://www.hoyweb.com for a number of books which can give you guidance. The first is Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder (you can order it right now).  It is all about the healing that needs to occur when couples commit adultery.  Another is A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Susan Blumberg, Dean Edell. It will give you many biblical insights and practical tools to help you start over in your marriage. The Gift of Sex: A Christian Guide to Sexual Fulfillment by Clifford and Joyce Penner can help you with your sexual problems. 
I am pasting one of my Faq's for you here on Marriage because it summarizes what needs to happen to restore a troubled marriage.  I would encourage you to look at the other faq's on forgiveness, etc.  
I know it's not easy, but you have to make a choice.  Start with Christ, then let His love flow through 
you.  In Phil. 4:13 Paul writes: "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me."   Do you believe that?  Will you give Him the opportunity to be the Lord of your whole life?  I hope so.      Thank you.    God bless you!    Lynette Hoy  

       We are having serious difficulties in our marriage. Where    can we begin to get help? by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC 

                   Most married couples have gone through intense times of trials or stages in their relationship. So you are not alone. The greatest hope is that nothing is too difficult for the Lord to heal. So I would first point you to the Lord Jesus Christ. Couples who are willing to pray earnestly about their marriages and ask God what they can do to start improving their relationship will most certainly begin to experience positive change.  
                   Why? Because God is our helper and has promised to answer our prayers especially when we humble ourselves before Him. 1 Pet 5:6-7 says: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (NIV)  
                 The next step to take would be to see an experienced & solid Christian counselor referred to you by a friend or your pastor. Why not begin to resolve the issues that have kept you stuck in the stage of "disenchantment"? Why not begin to resolve and forgive the esentments and disappointments that have brought you to this hurting place? Why not begin to learn new patterns of communication, conflict management and forgiveness? Why not 'begin again'? In Isa 43:19 the Lord says: "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (NIV)  
Your marriage may seem like a wasteland right now, but with God all things are possible. I have seen numerous couples 'begin again'.  

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