Q:. Hello, I had an abortion last year.I would have given birth this month. I'm feeling all sorts of mixed emotions. Lately I've been thinking about having a baby. Is this normal or am I just feeling guilty? I just feel right now that having a baby will help me get through all the pain and guilt that I'm feeling. Am I right?

Answer:
Dear Friend, it is normal for you to grieve the loss of your baby now. It is important to allow yourself to process this loss and work through any guilt over making this decision to have an abortion. It is normal to wish you had your baby now and to have a desire to give birth to another child as well. But, let me say upfront-- having another baby now will not take away the feelings of grief you have over your first baby and the abortion.
What can you do? How can you work through this pain and move forward? How can you process the grief?
First of all, I encourage you to seek counseling for your loss. You may want to contact AACC for a referral to a professional in your area.. Or contact these agencies for help and post-abortion counseling in the USA: Pregnancy Centers or call them at 1-800--848-Love. See this international list of pregnancy centers on the internet for help with post-abortion counseling in your country.
Secondly, process your loss by taking time to work through the grief. Grief has several stages. You are feeling many emotions of sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness. This is normal. You can move through this time. Because grief is a process, someone said, "The only way out of grief is through". Grief forces us to deal with and face the pain of loss.
Dr. Colin Murray-Parkes defined 4 phases of mourning:
1. A period of numbness occurring close to the time of loss
2. A phase of yearning: for lost one to return; a denial of the permanence
3. Disorganization/despair; bereaved finds it difficult to function in environment.
4. Reorganized behavior...beginning to pull life back together.

Though you are experiencing grief, you are not a helpless victim. You can move through this time and discover a new strength and purpose for your life. Process your feelings by journaling and through prayer. You will discover that God is near to the broken-hearted. You may feel that God rejects you because of your decision to terminate your pregnancy. But, He is there ready to forgive. In the face of loss, hardship and uncertainty we can.. discover power in grief by allowing the pain of grief to move us towards God and to learn to rely totally on Him. When we discover that only God can comfort and His presence is more of a reality than ever before- we discover what's good about grief. Read more about how to know God personally

Get support. You may find that the agencies recommended offer post-abortion support groups. It helps to talk about your loss with others who have gone through the same experience.
Realize that there are no pat answers for your loss. You will feel grief and remorse over this at times but, the pain will lessen.

Ask yourself these questions: What have I learned from this experience? How has this changed my life? Maybe you have learned that you would not have made the decision to abort your baby - that you did it out of fear and wished you had considered other options such as adoption or keeping the baby. Maybe you realize now that this decision had more serious consequences than you expected.

From this day forward you can make some new resolutions for any future decisions especially when it has to do with a pregnancy. You can determine to consult with a crisis pregnancy center about all the options available for having another baby. You can determine to talk with other women who may be considering abortion about how this event in your life affected you and you regret having an abortion. You can decide to make serious decisions based on God's will for your life.

You need to forgive yourself. Realize that you are human and have made a mistake. But, ultimately, this mistake is not the unforgivable sin – not in God's eyes. Read about forgiveness and working through guilt
Read more about the process of grief: and recovery:
I do pray that you will discover a sense of comfort and growth in your life as continue to process the loss of your little one.
Read: Abortion: Should I do it? and Tiny Hand of Hope

Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Would you like to be certain that you are forgiven? Would you like to know that you are going to heaven?
Jesus Christ came to earth to save us and reconcile us to God.. He is a Person who knows your needs, feels your pain, and sympathizes with your weaknesses. He offers to forgive your sins, and to give you the free gift of eternal life...making peace between you and His Father when you decide to trust Him as Lord and Savior of your life. He loved us so much that He died for your sins and mine 2,000 years ago. 
Nothing can make people right before God except what Christ has done for us. Good works, going to church, being baptized, confirmed or taking communion cannot cleanse you from sin. Only sincere faith in Christ's death and resurrection will pay for your sins.
The Bible says that we are sinners: Rom 3:23-24 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," But that God has provided Jesus as the Savior: John 3:16 says:  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (NIV)
The Bible also says that we can receive Jesus Christ as our Savior and have eternal life: John 3:36: "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him." (NIV)
Won't you consider asking Christ into your life today. Once you have received Jesus Christ personally, you will be saved. When you meet God at the pearly gates and He asks "Why should I let you in?"..... you can say, "because I have trusted in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and it is His death on the cross that has paid for my sins."
Pray this prayer if you want to be certain you are going to heaven:
Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness. I turn my life over to you because I believe that You died for my sins and You are the only way to heaven and to have peace with God. You are the only One who can save and forgive me. Please cleanse me of my sins, come into my life and change me today.  In Jesus' Name I ask this.  Amen
In Matt 28:20 Jesus says this: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (NIV)
I Jn 5:20 says: "We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true-- even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."(NIV) 
If you have just placed your trust in Jesus Christ, you are now a Christian on your way to heaven and nothing can separate you from the love of Christ. You are starting a brand new life. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says it this way, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!". Your sins have been paid for. Your slate has been wiped clean.  Jesus said in John 10:10, "I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly."  He was saying that you will discover that your present life is more meaningful and hopeful now that you have a relationship with the God of the universe. 
To grow in your new relationship with Christ, attend a solid Bible teaching church to learn more and to fellowship with God's family.  You can contact the WillowCreek Association for a recommendation to a churrch near you. Read your Bible and pray everyday. Start by reading the gospel of John in the New Testament.

If you have prayed this prayer please email http://www.counselcareconnection.org/services.asp and include your address.  You will receive the free book: An Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future  by Pastor Ray Pritchard. 
Read more about faith. God bless you!

~ Lynette J. Hoy, is a marriage and family counselor, speaker, writer and the Chicagoland Chair of Community and Business Women for Christ. Her newly released book, What's Good About Anger? can be ordered online . Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: Counselcare Connection,
You may find it helpful to order a book such as: Keep Believing: God in the Midst of Our Deepest Struggles or FAQs: about the Christian Life or The Road Best Traveled- Knowing God's Will for Your Life by Ray Pritchard.
May God grant you grace, sustain you and bless you!
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Order What's Good About Anger? and take the survey online!

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