FAQ's - Trust

Listen to the recent podcast: The Anger-Trust Connection

What does it mean to trust another human being? What should my reaction be when my spouse or significant other fails me by being dishonest, inconsiderate or irresponsible? Is it possible to rebuild trust in a relationship? © copyright 1999 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Trust begins and ends with God
Adjust your expectations
Trust grows over time
You can have a limited trust in people
God can help you forgive and trust again
You can be certain

Dear Friend: Here are some summary points I want to make about trust: First I want to emphasize that trust begins and ends with God. The next fact is that trusting another person has to have a certain expectation of failure and thus be combined with a willingness to forgive. Another point is that you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust- trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity to grow in trust and truthfulness. You and God can help build trust into your relationships.
Heb. 12:1-2 talks about how we need to "fix our eyes on Jesus the Author and perfecter of our faith".
Faith comes from God. Our faith is in God. God is the only One who is truly faithful. He is the giver of faith and the object of faith. Because of those facts, we need a new understanding of what it means to trust people.
Adjust your expectations: People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. You can trust God totally. If things don't work out or your prayers aren't answered, you can say that "God is God and I am not".   "He knows what He is doing and has a plan I don't understand right now, so I can keep trusting Him. My life and circumstances are in His hands and under His sovereign control."
But when you are let down by people who break promises or don’t meet your expectations because they are human and fallible, then your trust must remain focused on and in God versus them.
You can trust God for people and trust Him to help you through the times they disappoint you. Read more about Faith.
Trusting grows in relationships over time....because as you spend time together with someone you build understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s needs, motivations and fears. Unconditional love develops trust because as you express God's agape type of love towards someone- generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Agape love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
1 Cor 13:4-8 says.... Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.(NIV)
When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed... looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional and creates an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
I Jn 4:18 says: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (NIV)
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them....but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. That is why Christ had to die for the sins of the world....because you and I can never totally keep the law and live perfect, righteous lives. God can claim to be perfectly faithful in everything but we cannot because we are still sinners.
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint someone close to you at different times. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or..... (you name it) but the Bible says in
Rom 3:10 As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;
Rom 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
(NIV)
The only thing you can promise is that you want to seek God and ask Him to change you to make you more like Christ. Then you and I will become more trustworthy in our relationships, though still not perfect. As Christians you and I are still in the process of sanctification and we still fight sinful tendencies within us (Rom. 7). None of us is perfect.
But, because God has forgiven you totally in Christ, you have a basis on which to forgive others and start trusting them over again.   Paul in Ephes. 4:32 writes, "Be kind and compassionate towards one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you." (NIV)
Because of God's forgiveness through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, you and other Christians are cleansed, righteous, and justified before Him. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness".   That verse says that since
you (and others) still sin you need to continue to confess those sins to keep your relationship with God unobstructed.
That is exactly what needs to happen in human relationships. You and your loved one will still hurt each other, therefore, you both need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment. The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as important to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Read more on Forgiveness, The Power of Forgiveness, and What Makes Forgiveness So Hard?
God can help you forgive and trust again. God can bring the healing and realistic trust back into our relationships. "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13
When Christ is at the center of your lives- your marriage or other close relationships will prosper greatly. You will no longer have to hide who you are because you know you are forgiven in Christ. You and your loved one will no longer have to be worried about rejection because "there is no condemnation in Christ" and "nothing can separate you from the love of Christ" Rom. 8:1, 39.
Hiding, sin and fears of rejection can be overcome by the love and presence of Christ in our lives. Jesus helps us to become more authentic in relationships- expressing honesty, openness and letting others see our frailties and failures. And even when others reject us, we can be honest and open because we are certain that Christ will never reject us and that He loves us unconditionally.

With Christ you can start over with people and determine to put the pain and hurt behind you. With Christ you can trust another Christian again because Jesus is at work in his or her life.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Cor 5:17 (NIV)

You can be certain that Christians are in the process of sanctification. You can be sure that God is concerned about His children becoming more like Christ. So TRUST and depend on Him to help your relationship grow in trust, honesty and love. Make these scriptures your prayer for yourself and the person you love:

1Thes 3:12-13
May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

Eph 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray
that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (NIV)

© copyright 1999 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
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Notice: This column is not intended to take the place of direct professional mental health services but rather to provide insight into various problem situations and possible helpful resources and interventions. Please contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional.