Grief encompasses a number of changes. It appears differently at different times and it flits in and out of your life. It is a natural, normal, predictable and expected reaction. It is not an abnormal response. In fact, just the opposite is true. The absence of grief is abnormal. Grief is your own personal experience. Your loss does not have to be accepted or validated by others for you to experience and express grief.
Why grief? Why do we have to go through this experience? What is the Purpose?
Grief responses express basically 4 things.
 1. Through grief you express your feeling about your loss.
 2. Through grief you express your protest at the loss as well as your desire to change what happened and have it not be true.
 3. Though grief you express the effects you have experienced from the devastating impact of the loss.
 4. Through grief you learn to experience God more deeply.  Through grief you can learn to “seek first His Kingdom” and take a different path in life...as He directs your steps. Pro.3:5-6
*Read about the process of Grief and Loss  before continuing with this Faq.

The purpose of grieving over your loss is to take you beyond these reactions to face your loss and work on adapting to it.  The overall purpose of grief is to bring you to the point of making necessary changes so you can live with the loss in a healthy way.  It’s a matter of beginning with the question, “why? Why did this happen to me?” And eventually moving to a new question, “How can I learn through this experience? How can I now go on with my life?” When the “How?” question replaces the “Why?” question you have started to live with the reality of the loss. “Why?” questions reflect a search for meaning and purpose in loss. “How?” questions reflect your searching for ways to adjust to the loss.
 What do you have to do to get to this point?  “So do not fear for I am with you...do not be dismayed...for I am you God...I will strengthen you and help you...I will hold you up with my righteous right hand.”    Isa. 41:10

Trusting, relying on God, casting ourselves & cares on Him (1 Pet. 5:7) precedes any formula we follow.
"You must learn that God is ultimately the answer to your grief.  God has suffered. And that Christ can provide the power to live.  So relying on Christ, knowing and experiencing His forgiveness and grace will surely give you the grace and strength to go on with your life and let go of the hurt & loss you have suffered."

 How have you learned to rely on God?
“Life Goes On” and so can you.  Your life has been shaken....but.."You must gain custody of yourself." (Tony Evans)

Begin by Stabilizing:
          Readjust to your new world: Whatever loss you experienced, it still means making major changes in your life.  School, home, family, hopes, economic, relationship changes.  Loss of companionship.  It takes time to identify all of the ways that person was a part of your life.  Each time you start to respond or look for that person who is no longer there, you re-discover that they are no longer there.  It’s a fact. It’s a reality.  There will be many reminders.
          You will have to broaden your roles and your skills and learn to function  without them.  You change what you do, take on new responsibilities, find someone else to help or stop doing some things.  You may need to acquire a new identity.  You may need to change the direction of your life.

What do we learn about stabilizing from Ruth & Naomi?
Ruth 1:15-19 "Look," said Naomi, "your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her."  16 But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." 18 When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.  19 So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women exclaimed, "Can this be Naomi?"
Ruth 1:20-21
20 "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.  21 I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me."

What do we learn from Naomi and Ruth:   Ruth changed the direction of her life spiritually. She turned to Naomi’s God.  Ruth and Naomi relocated due to famine in the land of Moab.  Naomi expressed her disappointment in God and her grief....they committed themselves to God....to
what was right and necessary.  They struggled & grieved but held onto God..

Stabilizing includes 5 areas of your life:

  1. Spiritually:  Psalm 51: repenting, Building faith, courage & hope
  2. Mentally: Challenging any false beliefs with the truth of scripture.
  3. Emotionally: Coping with & expressing feelings (to a close confidante, to God and through journaling)
  4. Lovingly: Building support.... Attend a GriefShare support group nearby.
  5. Financially: Managing money...

“If there is anything a sufferer needs it is not an explanation, but a fresh new look at God”   Don Baker
 We need a new look at God. .His character, promises & companionship.
Here are God’s promises to you:

•  God has plans for you..."I know the plans I have for you"  Jere 29:11
• God will strengthen you..    "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"?  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and  His understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and  increases the power of the weak.    Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."          Isa 40:27-31
• God will help you persevere and mature..  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4 (NIV)

 Accepting our Loss:  Finding Life in Christ helps us to accept our losses & live with them knowing there is more to life in light of eternity:   Augustine wrote: “You have made us for Yourself and our hearts are restless until they find rest in You.”

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."  John 6:35 (NIV)

"I have learned to be content in everything....." "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me  strength."   Phil 4:11-13 (NIV)
 Christ can help us to be willing to accept our losses, let go & go on.

 Overcoming obstacles to accepting our loss.  What keeps us from faith after the loss of a loved one?
 Not dealing with theological questions about why God allows suffering keeps us stuck in loss and grieving, bitterness & anger towards God: we may never understand why but we know He is there & can use suffering for His purposes:

          We need to grapple with & eventually accept that God doesn’t give us all  the  answers to our questions about suffering and loss.   We need to accept that God is just & sovereign despite the pain we have experienced:
          Job 41:11 "God said to Job: Who has a claim against me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to me."  (NIV) 
Read more about the problem of pain and suffering in Why does God allow Evil and Suffering?

*What keeps you from accepting your loss?  How do you feel towards God?  How do you make sense of God & His will in your loss? What question did you raise about God and His presence when you experienced loss?  What scriptures were hard to understand?

 You can adjust to the loss of your loved one by grasping God’s  purpose,& meaning for your  life.     Assume responsibility for your future if you want to grow through your loss. Everyone needs: Something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. Establish the goals God desires for you...do something meaningful...care about others...trust God for the present and your future (Prov. 3:5-6, NIV).
  We need to keep moving towards God to find "life" and fulfillment. Don't waste time trying to meet your needs with substitutes for the "living water"  only God can provide.
"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.  Jere.2:13 (NIV)

*How will I know that I am on my way to recovery (or have adjusted to) from my loss?
        Indications I am adjusting & recovering:

• I have regained my capabilities and attributes so I can function.
• I have accepted the loss/trauma even though I would have preferred not to  lose my “loved one” or not to have suffered the trauma.
• I occasionally feel an ache or longing for that person or about the trauma, but the feeling is not obsessive, overwhelming or incapacitating.
• I no longer feel hopeless about life though I may long for the old life at times.
• I can go on with my life.
• I am reinvesting in other people’s lives.
• I am beginning to experience new changes, and have new dreams & goals.
• I can feel a sense of joy at times about life.
• I can sense I have forgiven and am finding a freedom from resentment.

 1. Try to identify what it is that doesn’t make sense to you about your loss.
 2. Identify the emotions that you feel during each day.
 3. What steps or actions are you taking to help you move ahead and overcome your loss?
 4. Be sure you are sharing your loss and grief with others who can listen to  you and support you during this time.
 5. It may help to find a person who has experienced a similar loss.
 6. Identify the positive characteristics and strengths of your life which have helped you before.
 7. Spend time reading in the Psalms.
 8. When you pray, share your confusion, your feelings and your hopes with God.
 9. Where do you want to be in your life 2 years from now?
10. Become familiar with the stages of grief so you will know what to expect and you won’t be thrown by what you are experiencing.
 11. Remember that understanding your grief intellectually is not sufficient.
Finally, how can you forgive anything which may have occurred between you and your significant other?   Read the following articles on forgiveness and guilt: Forgiveness is a Choice; The Power of Forgiveness; 
What Makes Forgiveness so Hard; Guilt; Guilt: When a Christian sins

Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?   When we place our trust in Jesus Christ asking Him for forgiveness of our sins and eternal life... He promises to give these spiritual gifts to us.  That is when you will truly be able to have the supernatural power to forgive.  When we experience God's forgiveness in Christ, then we are able to forgive.   Rom. 6:23 says:  "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our
Lord."   That means that everyone of us will suffer eternal death and separation from God because of the sin in our lives (which we not only do but have inherited) unless we place our trust in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior we receive the GIFT of eternal life.  We don't have to DO anything to receive a gift...just take it!   Our sins are then totally forgiven.  Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for the sins of the whole world. But we have to trust in Him.
Alternative religious views have saviors who remain in the grave. No other system offers everlasting life as a gift to those who follow their leaders. None of those leaders has overcome death. No other system offers  assurance of forgiveness, eternal life, and adoption into the family of God.
Jesus Christ offers you salvation because He died for your sins and rose  from the dead.  You can call on God and trust in His Son in the same way a drowning person calls for help and relies on the rescue of a lifeguard. Romans 10:9 says:  "That if you confess with your mouth,
  "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved".(NIV)
   The salvation Christ offers does not depend on what we have done for  Him, but on our acceptance in who He is and what He has done for us. Instead of moral and religious effort, this salvation requires a helpless  admission of our sins. Instead of personal accomplishments, it requires
confession of failure to meet God's standard of holiness. Unlike all other  belief systems, Christ asks us to trust solely in Him and His work on the cross and to commit our lives to Him--not to merit salvation but as an expression of gratitude, love, and confidence in the One who has saved
 us solely by grace (the unmerited favor of God).  Eph 2:8-9 says: "For it is  by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this not from   yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast".(NIV) Rom 6:23 says: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift ofGod is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."(NIV)
      Won't you consider asking Christ into your life today. Just pray simply:
                   Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness. I turn  my life over to you because I believe that You died for my sins and You are the only way to heaven and to have peace with God. You are the only One who can save and forgive me. Please cleanse me of my sins, come into my life and change me today.  In Jesus' Name I ask this.  Amen
In Matt 28:20 Jesus says this: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (NIV) 
I Jn 5:20 says: "We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we  are in him who is true-- even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."(NIV) Read more about faith in these articles: Faith 101 & Faith 102: Response to a Skeptic
                   If you have just placed your trust in Jesus Christ, you are now a Christian on your way to heaven and nothing can separate you from the love of  Christ. You are starting a brand new life. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says it this   way, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation; the old  has gone, the new has come!". Your sins have been paid for. Your slate has been wiped clean.  Jesus said in John 10:10, "I have come that they  might have life and have it more abundantly."  He was saying that you will discover that your present life is more meaningful and hopeful now that  you have a relationship with the God of the universe.
                   To grow in your new relationship with Christ, attend a solid Bible teaching church to learn more and to fellowship with God's family.  You can contact the WillowCreek Association  for a recommendation to a church near you. Read your Bible and pray everyday. Start by reading the gospel of John in the New Testament.

 If you have prayed this prayer please email: http://www.counselcareconnection.org/services.asp and include your address.  You will receive the free book: What a Christian Believes; An Easy to Read Guide to Understanding  by Pastor Ray Pritchard.  God bless you!
Some other books I recommend are: (you can order them on our resources page  Answers to Tough Questions Skeptics Ask about the Christian Faith by Josh McDowell and Don Stewart): 
 or How You Can be Sure You will Spend Eternity with God by Erwin Lutzer. 
© copyright 1998 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC 

The following books can be helpful to people suffering loss. 
Keep Believing: God in the Midst of Our Deepest Struggles by Ray Pritchard   $9.59
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis Smedes   $9.60
Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey  $4.79
Recovering from the Losses of Life  by H. Norman Wright $7.99
Check out our Resources page for more recommendations on books. 
May you discover God more deeply in this process of grief!      Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
*Resources used for some of the above information: Divorce Care Video Series; Recovering from the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright.