"The
Only Way Out of Grief is Through"
© copyright 1998 by Lynette
J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Once
a person faces the reality of a loss in his/her life he/she must
experience grief. Because grief is a process, someone said,
“The only way out of grief is through”.
Grief forces us to deal with and face the pain
of loss.
There are many ways to look at the grief process.
Dr. kubler-Ross identified this pattern in dying patients:
denial “there must be some mistake”; anger “why me?”; bargaining...an
attempt to postpone; depression: sorrow over past losses & that
to come;
acceptance/ reorganization.
Dr. Colin Murray-Parkes defined 4 phases of mourning:
1. A period of numbness occurring close to the
time of loss
2. A phase of yearning: for lost one to return;
a denial of the
permanence
3. Disorganization/despair; bereaved finds it
difficult to function in
environment.
4. Reorganized behavior...beginning to pull
life back together.
You
will experience some of the following symptoms:
- shock,
sadness, crying; changes in life & roles &
responsibilities; fears about the future,
- feelings
of helplessness and hopelessness, anxiety, loneliness, confusion,
yearning.
- Difficulties
with faith, socialization and maintaining normal
activities
for a time.
- anorexia,
somatic distress, fatigue,
- guilt,
anger, hostility, The
normal of stages: shock, protest, disorganization,
reorganization.
“After
a significant loss many people have the sense they are going crazy,
particularly if they have not sustained a major loss before.”
Though
one experiences the phases of grief he/she is not a helpless victim.
There are tasks which a person can actually work through whether
he/she has been through the death of someone close, a divorce, or
been victimized through abuse or crisis.
The
following 4 phases of grieving must be worked through
and it will take a period of time to do it:
.
1. Shock vs. reality; The task of this stage
is to accept the reality of the loss/divorce. The person is
gone and will not return vs. denial/unbelief of the loss.
The childhood experience cannot be changed.
2. Protest vs. experience; The task is to experience
the pain of grief rather than suppress or avoid it. One needs to
face the pain of loss, feel the pain & express his/her grief
rather than run away.
{Dr. Colin Murray Parkes wrote) “If it is necessary
for the bereaved person to go through the pain of grief in order
to get the grief work done, then anything continuously allowing
person to avoid or suppress pain can be expected to prolong the
course of mourning.” In our culture today we tend to encourage
people to suppress the pain...people say "you should be over him/her
(or some crisis) by now" This is particularly true in
the case of abuse. There are many scars from childhood... many fears,
much anger and resentment to be worked through.
3. Disorganization vs. adjustment: Adjusting
to the environment without the person...if it is a spouse...coming
to terms with living alone, raising
children alone, facing an empty house, managing finances
and taking on new roles. One loses a companion, lover, friend,
partner in parenthood, provider, way of life, or a childhood.
In
the case of abuse, one must adjust to no longer relating to or to
relating to that person in a different way.
4. Attachment vs. reorganization: Detaching
from the person, memories and hopes and reinvesting in other relationships
or in the case of abuse: forgiving and letting go of the past trauma.
Facing
the loss with God's help, placing our hope in Christ, our Savior
and experiencing the feelings and work of grief promotes healing.
When should someone get help or counseling?
When he/she does not accept reality of loss: When one gets stuck in
the past or doesn’t develop coping skills; withdraws from world, and/or
becomes increasingly helpless. It is time to get professional
help when depression sets in:
When
one manifests Major Depression Symptoms:
*over 2 week period.
...lengthy depressed mood
...decreased interest or pleasure in most activities
...significant weight loss or weight gain
...insomnia or hypersomnia
...fatigue or loss of energy ...worthlessness or excessive/
inappropriate guilt
...difficulties thinking/ concentrating, indecisiveness
nearly every day.
...negativity
..thoughts of death/suicide*
*If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide,
get immediate help by getting a professional counseling
referral through your family physician or the American
Association of Christian Counselors or the National
Board or Certified Counselors.
The Bible talks about grief. Gen. 6:6 reads
“He was grieved in His heart.” Who is this talking about? God.
He experienced grief; He knows what it is like.
When one enters into grief, he/she enters into the valley
of shadows. There is nothing heroic or noble about grief. It is painful.
It is work. It is a lingering process. But it is necessary for all
kinds of losses. It has been labeled everything from intense mental
anguish to acute sorrow to deep remorse.
There are a multitude of emotions involved in the
grief process- emotions which seem out of control and often appear
in conflict with one another. With each loss comes bitterness, emptiness,
apathy, love, anger, guilt, sadness, fear, self-pity, and helplessness.
People in the Bible grieved. Naomi was deeply
grieved after the loss of her husband and 2 sons:
Ruth 1:3-5 "Now Elimelech, Naomi's husband, died,
and she was left with her two sons. 4 They married Moabite women,
one named Orpah and the other Ruth. After they had lived there about
ten years, both Mahlon and Kilion also died, and Naomi was left without
her two sons and her husband"
Naomi not only lost her family, she lost her providers
and her dreams for the future.
Ruth 1:8-14 "Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law,
"Go back, each of you, to your mother's home. May the LORD show kindness
to you, as you have shown to your dead and to me. May the LORD grant
that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband." Then
she kissed them and they wept aloud and said to her, "We will go back
with you to your people." 11 But Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters.
Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who
could become your husbands? Return home, my daughters; I am too old
to have another husband. Even if I thought there
was still hope for me-- even if I had a husband tonight and then gave
birth to sons-- would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain
unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than
for you, because the LORD's hand has gone out against me!" At this
they wept again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-by, but
Ruth clung to her."
Ruth, Orpah and Naomi wept. Naomi faced reality...she
couldn’t provide a husband for them. She expressed anger, and
bitterness "The hand of the Lord has gone against me." "The
Almighty has made my life very bitter."
Ruth 1:20-21 "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call
me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.21 I went
away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi?
The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon
me."
But Naomi and Ruth did what they knew was right and
trusted even when they couldn't understand why God allowed the trials
to take place. God provided for them.
Jesus grieved in the garden of Gethsemane:
Luke 22:42 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup
from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:44 And
being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like
drops of blood falling to the ground.
Matt 26:38
38 Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with
sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
Matt 26:42 He went away a second time and prayed, "My
Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless
I drink it, may your will be done."
***Naomi
& Jesus felt the pain of suffering and grief yet endured it
&
submitted to God’s will....
How
can one keep from falling apart and "Ride out the storm
of grief"? Will the death of a loved one, a divorce,
a miscarriage or childhood abuse shatter one's life forever?
Grief gives us only one place to go....God.
C.S. Lewis wrote “Relying on God has to
begin all over again everyday as if nothing had yet been done”
Paul wrote in the New Testament about hardships:
"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about
the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under
great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired
even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.
But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God,
who raises the dead." 2 Cor 1:8-9
In the face of loss, hardship & uncertainty
we can..
Discover power in grief by allowing the pain
of grief to move us towards God & to learn to rely totally on
Him. When we discover that only God can comfort &
His presence is more of a reality than ever before we discover what’s
good about grief.
St. Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 12:9-10...“When I am weak,
then I am strong.”
In
order to keep from falling apart we begin with:
A. Surrender and acceptance & prayer: We
can use loss to help our faith grow
and move us towards reliance on Christ. The pain of grief draws
us to Christ.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and
I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for
I am gentle and humble in heart, & you will find rest for your
souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."Matt 11:28-30
(NIV)
...God hears our prayers, provides comfort
and rest.
B.
Since “the only way out of grief is through” we need to work through
the stages of grief: feel the pain, express it in healthy
ways through journaling, prayer, close friends. Depend on God for
strength to take on new responsibilities. Pace yourself.
Let other people help.
“The overall purpose of grief is to bring you to the
point of making the
necessary changes you need to make so you can
live with the loss in a healthy way.”
It is at this turning point in our lives that God
works on us and through
us....on our characters, perspective, behavior helping
us to become more Christlike.
What
do you need to do to get to the point of living with the loss in
a healthy way? These four steps can be helpful for most
types of losses.
1.
You need to change your relationship with whatever you lost. If
it was a person, you eventually need to come to the realization
that the person is dead and that you are no longer married to or
relating to him or her.
You need to recognize the change and develop new ways
of relating to the deceased or living person. You must learn to
exist without the person the way you once learned to exist with
the person. Memories, both positive and negative, will remain with
you. You need to confront and forgive the person who has abused
you.
2.
The next step is to develop your own self and your life to encompass
and reflect the changes that occurred because of your loss. This
will vary depending uponwhether the loss involved a job, an opportunity,
a relationship, or the loss of aparent or spouse to death. Developing
respect and self-esteem is important in the case of abuse.
3.
The third step is discovering and taking on new ways of existing
and
functioning without whatever it was that you lost.
This involves a new identity, but without totally forgetting. Finally,
you discover new directions for the emotional investments that you
once had in the lost object, situation or person.
4.
The 4th step is to discover new directions for the emotional investments
that you once had in the lost object, situation or person.
These steps may sound simple, but they are not, since all of grief
involves work, effort and pain.
Ps
23:4
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and
your staff, they comfort me. (NIV)
“the only way out of grief is through”
It
is one thing to work through the grief, it is another thing to make
grief
(the loss or trauma) the focus of your whole life.
You need to deal with it and begin moving forward. Read more
about Grief
Recovery and Loss.
Forgiveness will
be an important factor in moving forward.
I hope this is helpful for you. You must choose
to work through the grief of the past and make helpful choices for
the present. Read the article on faith
in
order to grow closer to God.
I recommend the following books found in our Resources
page:
Putting
Your Past Behind You: Finding Hope for Life's Deepest Hurts
by Erwin Lutzer $9.59
Forgive
and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by
Lewis Smedes $9.60
Disappointment
with God by Phillip Yancey
$4.79
Recovering
from the Losses of Life by
H. Norman Wright $7.99
Do
you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?
When we place our trust in Jesus Christ asking Him for forgiveness
of our sins and eternal life... He promises to give
these
spiritual gifts to us. That is when you will truly be able
to have the supernatural power to go on with your life. And
when we experience God's forgiveness in Christ, then we are able
to forgive others. Rom. 6:23 says: "The wages
of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus
Christ our Lord."
That means that everyone of us will suffer eternal death and separation
from God because of the sin in our lives (which we not only do but
have inherited) unless we place our trust in Jesus Christ as our
Lord and Savior we receive the GIFT of eternal life. We don't
have to DO anything to receive a gift...just take it!
Our sins are then totally forgiven. Jesus died on the cross
to pay the penalty
for the sins of the whole world. But we have to trust in Him.
Alternative religious views have saviors who remain
in the grave. No other system offers everlasting life as a gift
to those who follow their leaders. None of those leaders has overcome
death. No other system offers assurance of forgiveness, eternal
life, and adoption into the family of God.
Jesus Christ offers you salvation because He
died for your sins and rose from the dead. You can call
on God and trust in His Son in the same way a drowning person calls
for help and relies on the rescue of a lifeguard. Romans 10:9 says:
"That if you confess with your mouth,
"Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart
that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved".(NIV)
The salvation Christ offers does not
depend on what we have done for Him, but on our acceptance
in who He is and what He has done for us. Instead of moral and religious
effort, this salvation requires a helpless admission of our
sins. Instead of personal accomplishments, it requires
confession of failure to meet God's standard of holiness.
Unlike all other belief systems, Christ asks us to trust solely
in Him and His work on the cross and to commit our lives to Him--not
to merit salvation but as an expression of gratitude, love, and
confidence in the One who has saved
us solely by grace (the unmerited favor of God).
Eph 2:8-9 says: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through
faith-- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift
of God— not by works, so that no one can boast".(NIV) Rom
6:23 says: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift ofGod is
eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."(NIV)
Won't you consider
asking Christ into your life today. Just pray simply:
Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness.
I turn my life over to you because I believe that You died
for my sins and You are the only way to heaven and to have peace
with God. You are the only One who can save and forgive me. Please
cleanse me of my sins, come into my life and change me today.
In Jesus' Name I ask this. Amen
In Matt 28:20 Jesus says this: "And surely I am with
you always, to the very end of the age." (NIV)
I Jn 5:20 says: "We know also that the Son
of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know
him who is true. And we are in him who is true-- even in his
Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."(NIV)
If you have just placed your trust in Jesus Christ, you are now
a Christian on your way to heaven and nothing can separate you from
the love of Christ. You are starting a brand new life. 2 Corinthians
5:17 says it this way, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he/she is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!".
Your sins have been paid for. Your slate has been wiped clean.
Jesus said in John 10:10, "I have come that they might have
life and have it more abundantly." He was saying that you
will discover that your present life is more meaningful and hopeful
now
that you have a relationship with the God of the universe.
To grow in your new relationship with Christ, attend a solid Bible
teaching church to learn more and to fellowship with God's
family. You can contact the WillowCreek
Association for a recommendation to a church near you.
Read your Bible and pray everyday. Start by reading the gospel of
John in the New Testament.
If you have prayed this prayer please email:
http://www.counselcareconnection.org/services.asp and
include your address. You will receive the free book: What
a Christian Believes; An Easy to Read Guide to Understanding
by Pastor Ray Pritchard. God bless you!
Some other books I recommend are: (you can order them on our resources
page): Answers
to Tough Questions Skeptics Ask about the Christian Faith by Josh
McDowell
and Don Stewart or How You Can be Sure You will Spend Eternity
with God by
Erwin Lutzer.
Read more about Grief
Recovery and Loss.
© copyright 1998 by Lynette
J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
The
following book can be helpful to people suffering loss.
Keep
Believing: God in the Midst of Our Deepest Struggles
by Ray
Pritchard $9.59
Check out our Resources
page for more recommendations on books.
May you discover God more deeply in this process of
grief! Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
*Resources used for some of the above information:
Recovering from the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright.
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