Does
Forgiveness = No Consequences?
©
copyright 2003 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: One
thing I’ve
been thinking about is: am I willing to treat a person who has hurt me
as well as I would treat those I consider my closest friends? (Assuming
that it’s appropriate to interact with the person who hurt me) It
seems to me that until I am, I’m falling short of the impartiality
encouraged in Matt 5:44 (which says how God provides sun and rain equally
for all people, whether good or evil). Does it mean that there are no
consequences for the sin? Sandra
Answer:
In Total
Forgiveness Kendall addresses the issue of how we treat others
after they have let us down or mistreated. There are consequences
which
sometimes
can't
be and shouldn't
be removed when we forgive.
He talks about how a woman forgave a rapist
and then, decided to testify in court in order to stop him from raping
again. In
that case, judicial consequences were meted out along with forgiveness. There
are other
examples given as to how relationships are affected when someone mistreats
or abuses us.
Here are some of my thoughts:
You may decide that a friendship may
change because that person cannot keep confidences. A change in
relationship is not
the
same as
forgiveness. You
can let go of the blame and let go of any punishment and continuing to hold
the
wrong against a person - but, you may learn something about that person's
character such as:
... they can no longer be trusted with confidences or
...
they are not empathic
and tend to be harsh when you divulge a weakness about yourself or
...
they are
not
responsible in keeping their committments.
Therefore, you forgive them, but, will no longer:
...
share your mistakes,
...
share
your problems,
... rely on or
ask them to do a project with you, etc.
Forgiveness does not mandate:
...
that you trust all people on the same level
or
...
that you expect all people to live up to certain standards or
... that there will be no consequences for wrongful behavior.
Jesus had discernment about people. He said "don't throw your pearls
before swine"; and "treat them as a tax collector and a sinner" if
your brother doesn't reconcile with you and be "wise
as serpents and gentle as doves" in all our relationships.
He also challenged us to: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute
you" and "turn the other cheek".
So, pray for the one who has injured you. Love them with God's unconditional
love and grace. Show discernment and gentleness when you interact with everyone.
Believe that God is in the business of changing people. You may even take a risk
or need to trust that person again!
Forgiveness doesn't equal trust and
doesn't mean there won't be consequences for the person or relationship and boundaries that
need changing. Forgiveness will make
you wiser and challenge you to be vulnerable!
But, more importantly, forgiveness
will set you free!
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Read more about how to know God
personally in the article on Faith.
Read more on forgiveness:
The Power of Forgiveness
or
What
Makes Forgiveness so Hard
Order the What's Good
About Anger? anger management certificate course This
book and program teaches you how to turn your anger into faith,
assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness!
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