FAQ's - Assertiveness

Entering Someone's World
Supportiveness and paraphrasing skills
Assertiveness
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Dear Counselor, When I was younger, I was chronically shy, and at 21, I still have problems with it every now and then. It happens in very specific situations, such as giving a presentation in class, or in a heated conflict situation. I think these are all normal, but the one that seems ridiculous is meeting my boyfriend's parents. I was never a dazzling conversationalist whenever I first met previous boyfriends' parents, and it always cost me dearly later.
They never thought much of me, and seemed to tolerate me, as if they were disappointed. Everytime I've meet parents in the past, I just freeze up, and I don't know what to talk about with them.
I've been seeing my current boyfriend for the past year and a half, and I've finally agreed to visit his family and hometown, which are about 2000 miles away. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about finally meeting his family, and seeing where he grew up, but at the same time, I'm scared to death of going through with it.
My boyfriend and I have been thinking about getting engaged soon, and he has informed his parents of this, and talks about me constantly. That makes me especially nervous about meeting his mom and dad. I don't just want them to tolerate me, I want to become good friends with them. I feel like it all hinges on making a good first impression. What can I do to relax in this situation? If I freeze up, what are some good topics to fall back on when talking with his parents until I snap out of it?
Please help, Nervous Nellie

Dear Friend,
Entering Someone's World: One of the best ways to endear people to yourself is to be able to ask them questions about themselves and to really listen to what they say to you. People love to talk about themselves- so write out and be prepared to ask them some questions which will help you find out more about who they are and what their life is like. Then be prepared to really listen and paraphrase what they say. If you can paraphrase and summarize what someone has said to you, you will send the message that you understand and care for him/her. This is one of the most important ways you can validate someone. This also helps you begin to empathize with people because you start putting yourself in their place and enter their world. Here are some examples of how to show supportiveness and how to paraphrase. Practice these with someone.

Supportiveness and paraphrasing skills. Many people are good at one of these, few have the ability to learn these skills along with assertiveness. When supportiveness and paraphrasing skills are combined with assertiveness- the results are remarkably effective. With practice anyone can learn it!

A. SUPPORTIVENESS SKILLS:
These are abilities which can be learned to build trust and understanding between you and someone else which communicates, "I'm on your side."

1. OPEN RESPONSES - the ability to communicate openness to help facilitate gaining further information, even if that information may be critical or emotional.

Sample Open Responses:

"....Say more about . . ."
"....I'm confused about . . ."
"....Spell that out further . . ."
"....Give me a specific example so I can understand more clearly . . ."

Practice Open Responses:
(a) Your friend says to you, "I feel that people don't really care very much about me. It seems that in every situation people tend to ignore me"
You say:

(b) Your neighbor says to you, "I thought this community would be a lot more peaceful when I moved here. I am having a lot of difficulty sleeping at night."
You say:

2. UNDERSTANDING RESPONSES: This is the ability to demonstrate to someone else, especially an antagonist, that you understand what he or she is trying to communicate. Accomplished by paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing is-
stating in your own words
what the other person said.
   * Focus on the speaker (You . . )
   * Be brief
   * Fact/Feeling
(show you grasp what the speaker is most concerned about)
Begin by saying: "In other words..."
   "Let me get this straight..."
   "So you felt that..."
   "What I hear you saing is..."
   "If I understand you correctly..."
   "Would you say that ...?"
   "Do I understand you to mean...?"
   "Do you mean...?"

Sample Paraphrases:
"You were really scared"
"You'd rather stay home"
"You feel frustrated"
"You felt it was very unfair for me to . . ."
"From your perspective I was not being helpful when I . . ."
"The meeting last night went too long and you're especially frustrated with_____ since I had promised to keep things ___(short . . . )"
"I want to make sure I'm understanding you accurately. You're angry because . ."

(DON'T SAY . . ."What I hear you saying . . .!" as it will sound like a crutch phrase to the person you are paraphrasing.)

Practice Understanding Responses:

(a) Your spouse says, "I just don't know how I'm going to make ends meet. We've had extra doctor bills this month. Then the car transmission went out & had to be replaced. Now you say we need a new washer. What am I going to do?
You say:

(b) Your co-worker says, "I'm trying my best to do a decent job. But how can I get everything done when there is so much to do?"
You say:

If you can enter into another person's world by reflecting back and paraphrasing what they have said... you will show them you care and probably win them over.
Of course, it is important to be prepared to talk about yourself, also. Write out some memories from your childhood, goals you have now for your career, or education and other informative aspects of your life such as your work, hobbies, sports or recreation interests. Write out what you like and appreciate about your boyfriend. Then read these out loud as if you are talking to someone in front of a mirror.
Read the newspaper so you are current with what is going on in the world. You can always ask them questions about their opinions on world events/people. And don't be afraid to voice your opinion on these matters. You don't have to agree about everything in order to be liked by someone else. In fact if you do disagree on some events or issues, people will usually respect you more than if you are a "yes-Man (woman)". Ask them to show you pictures of their family and your boyfriend when he was a child. Ask them about their jobs, goals, interests, friends, church, etc.
I believe that if you prepare yourself and pray about this beforehand, you will feel much more confident when you go to meet them. If there are times of silence, don't let it bother you. Maybe some people in his family are also shy and introverted. So you can read the paper or ask to read a magazine.
Be helpful in the kitchen. His Mom will appreciate that and notice your thoughtfulness. Take initiative to ask if there is anything you can do to help before and after meals.
And pray that the Lord will give you strength to overcome the fear that is underlying your shyness. Jesus said, "I will never leave you or forsake you." in Hebrews 13:5 and St. Paul wrote in Phillippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christi Who strengthens me". If you have trusted in Christ as your Lord and Savior, then you have the greatest spiritual power in the world residing within you to help you tackle this problem. Read about How to grow in your relationship with God in this article on faith . Also, read a book on assertiveness such as Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower, Susan Anthony Bower or Telling Each Other the Truth by William Backus, Marie Chapian along with other helpful books found on our Resources page.
The following model can be used when you are learning how to be assertive, ie., speak the truth in love.

Truth-talk model (assertiveness skills): A-S-E-R-T

A..sk for God’s Help: Pray for God to guide you through scripture and His Spirit.
S..tate the Problem: Think over & state the facts of the problem. .
E..xpress yourself: state your feelings.
R..equest change & feedback: one behavior change & listen to the person’s thoughts and needs.
T..alk-it- out: the consequences, considerations & options.

Examples: When you need to bring up a problem or issue, you can approach another person by saying-
“I have been worried about our finances and would like us to make a budget so we can both feel we have input into spending. What do you think about this idea?”

“I feel upset when you say that you will be home by dinner-time but don’t show up until an hour later. How do you think this problem can be solved? I’m sure we will both feel better if we can work this out.”

“I have been feeling stressed-out lately by all the work in my Sunday School class. I would like you to find a substitute for me for the next month so I can take a break. I know I will be better able to handle the class when I return. Is this feasible? And can we brainstorm some ideas about people who can take my place?”

Write out your own situation following these steps:
Ask for God’s help:_______________________________________
State the Problem:_______________________________________
Express feelings:________________________________________
Request change & feedback:_______________________________
Talk it out(consequences/options):__________________________

Use the following examples to express yourself assertively in different situations:
1. Stating your preference or opinion; “My preference is______. “What I’d like is______”
2. Expressing you feelings; “I feel_______when ______________
3. Affirming someone; “I really appreciate your _____________________. I agree with you about__________
4. Disagreeing with someone; “I disagree with you when you say _________________.
5. Saying yes or no without making excuses; “I am unable to come to lunch (or that church function).”
6. “I” statements for confronting: “I feel______when you_______ because__________.
7. Impact statements for confronting: “When you come to the classes late, it disrupts the presentation.”
8. Quantity statements for negotiation: “I’ve been very distracted by the whispering going on during choir practice tonight. I’d like to ask you to do less talking in the future.”
9. Making requests: “This movie is not what I hoped it would be. I would like to leave.”

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Lynette is a National Certified Counselor and a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the State of Illinois. Do you have a question for the Counselor? Get in touch by email at http://www.counselcareconnection.org/services.asp

Notice: This column is not intended to take the place of direct professional mental health services but rather to provide insight into various problem situations and possible helpful resources and interventions. Please contactAACC for a referral to a mental health professional.